First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Friday, February 26, 2010

The State of Homemaker Healthcare

Today at my house we had our own 6 hour healthcare debate.  

On my side of the aisle, I had a plan for my children's healthcare to which my opponents--said children--strenuously objected.  This plan included steps to make spending more efficient and make preventative medicine a higher priority.  The plan called for bold and immediate reforms like Eating your Lunch and Taking a Nap.  Or as my opponents  called it, “sleep socialism.”  

As the Senator from the great state of Toddler Hysteria  put it, “It starts out with all of us sharing a nap and the next thing you know, Russian tanks are steaming down Main St. !"  

Typical sound-bite scare tactics.  Though, I'll admit, I was thrown briefly for a loop.  I was surprised that they knew that Russians were ever a threat; what Russians are; of the existence of tanks, or the anachronistic term “steaming.”  Nothing really steams anymore unless you've got hot food or you’re going to the bathroom outside in the cold.  But I digress.

My opponents are, in point of fact, threatening a sleep filibuster, their third of the week, if I don’t put an immediate hold on on this "ridicyou-us" idea.  I have countered by implying that I will circumvent their filibuster with certain parliamentary techniques.  Like "keeping you up a little later," "threatening to close your door," and in the case of an impassible impasse, benadryl.   The last one is a bluff.  This administration is proudly anti-baby drugging.  For now.

They have demanded I pledge both not to use any of these techniques and to scrap my original plan if I want them to commit to the debate.  I called for a time-out. 

 We're voting on it . . . I am vetoing the majority "no time-out provision."  There is screaming.  

It seems I will have to move forward on my health-care initiative without bi-partisan support.  I will have to use a large part of the surplus coffee from the Homemaker stimulus plan to push things through.  

Politics ain't what they used to be.



Homemaker Man





This post brought to you by Fatherhood Friday at dad-blogs.com.



P.S.  I was not surprised that they knew the term "socialism." All toddlers are crazy right wing extremists (anti-sharing) and therefore have received their talking-points memo.



  


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Truth about Lobsters.

I want to clear some confusion that cropped up concerning lobsters after my last post.   They do not have vaginas.

I know this because I dated a lobster in high school.  I found out when I tried to get to third base, and there wasn't one.  We tried other stuff, but take it from me; there is nothing fun about a "claw-job."

She dumped me after about three months.  I was upset.  I got over it with a marathon visit to Legal Seafood.  I don't handle rejection well.

The lobster?  She became valedictorian.  Her speech was titled "Lobster Civil rights in the 21st century:  Butter: Enemy Mine."

-----------------------------------------

Science fact

Lobsters have swimmerets.  Small paired abdominal appendages that help with swimming and reproduction.  And they carry and fertilize their eggs externally on these swimmerets.


This is a swimmeret:





I'll admit, it might look vaguely vaginal.  Like the maw of virtually every science fiction movie monster ever.  But trust me, it's not.  


Helpfully,

Homemaker Man

Monday, February 22, 2010

I Wonder if They Get Crabs

Overheard as we left for food shopping at our local super market, Market Basket:

Peanut:  We goin' shoppin'?

Me:  Yes we are honey?

P: At Masket Basket?

Me:  Yup, at Masket Basket.

P: Can we see the lobsters?

Me:  Yes we can.

P: They swimmin'.  They swimmin' evr'ywhere.

Me:  Yes they do.

P:  They have legs?

Me:  Yes, and big red claws.

P:  And big 'ginas.

What the fu. . . imagine that?  Big giant lobster vaginas.  Frightening.  I believe the Vagina Dialogues is at least partially in response to potty training.

In regards to my last post, thanks again for your helpful responses.  I got some good advice on how to handle these offers if it happens again, and Alice In Wonderland provided this link that leads to some pretty lousy reviews of csnstores.  It looks like they're shady.  Fuckers.

HM

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Little Help Here, Please

I have a conundrum that I need un-conundrummed and it is the sort of conundrum that my intelligent, attractive, and witty bloggy friends are most qualified to help me solve.

It's not medical.  Or anything gross.  I take care of that stuff myself through meditation.  I meditate when I should be at my doctor appointment.  They always say awful things.  Things that lead to exercise.  Who needs that?

I got an email from a company called csnstores asking me if I would like to do a giveaway or a product review.  I'll publish the email further down.

I emailed them back and I said, "Huh?" Basically.  I've yet to hear back.

I hesitate because I sometimes see sites that do a lot of these things, and it gets very annoying very quickly.

I also wonder, "what's the catch?"  Like if I agree and they want me to do a positive review of a combination label-maker/baby-scrambler, I won't do it.  I'll give the things away, but you won't get me to say anything nice when I do.  Except "you're welcome" because I am polite.  Mmm, scrambled baby would be good right now.   With cheese and caramelized onions.

Another thought I thunked was, "is it selling-out?"  And I don't know, maybe it is.  I would hate to do that to my ones upon ones of readers.  But then again, I like free things.  So does my wife.  My kids could give a shit.  To them, everything is free.

Let's get ahold of this post.  My questions are:

Has anyone heard of/done business with csnstores?

Has anyone done this sort of thing before?  How did it go?  Would you or did you do it again?

If you chose not to do it, why not?

If you've never had the chance to do this, would you if you did?

Is there a catch I'm not seeing?  Like if I agree to do this, do they own my blog's content in perpetuity?

Are there any questions I am not asking that I should be asking?

Thanks to everyone who reads and answers in advance.  I really appreciate it as I am a bloggy babe in the woods.


Sincerely,

HM

Good Afternoon,
My name is Sean and I’m part of the Promotions Team here at http://www.csnstores.com .
We have been seeking out high quality websites and blogs, gauging interest in doing a giveaway with one of our sites.
We love the look and feel of your blog and think that your US and Canadian
readers might be interested in a giveaway with our sites www.cookware.comwww.allbarstools.comwww.allchildrensfurniture.com,
www.allmodern.com .
Have a look at a couple of our sites and let me know if you think that this might be
something you’d be interested in.
Perhaps we could give away a selection of our home decor or kitchen accessories .
I’d be happy to brainstorm some other ideas with you if you’re interested.
Alternatively you could do a review of something from our site.
Please let me know if you have any questions for me. I hope to hear from you to further
discuss the details of the giveaway.
Kind Regards,
Sean
**Please note: If are unable to reply to this message for any reason, please email my alternate email address atCSNPromoTeam@gmail.com and I will get back to you. I appologize for the inconvenience.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Big Winner, Right Here, People. Because I am Lovely and Sweet. I guess.






Thank you so much to Sara Louise of Sara in Le Petit Village for this award.  I am flattered.  If you don't know her . . . she lives and writes about a lyrical life in a cool and down-to-earth way.  Good people, is Sara Louise.   And a very entertaining read.  

I really needed this today as last night, it felt like my children went and joined some sort of screechy, anti-sleep, super soldier group.  The SEALS for assholes.  Insomniac assholes.  Not that my kids are assholes mind you,  just that last night, they could've passed for assholes at the very highest levels.  Like  congress.

I believe that last paragraph is enough of a mention of my family to allow me to link back to Fatherhood Friday for a chance to win 25$.  Mercenary?  Definitely.  But I gots to make that paper y'all.  The worst part is that the guilt will eat at me until I sit down and offer up an 11 paragraph opus on the importance of wipeys .  Feh.  

Ok then.  The deal is 10 things you folks don't know about me.  Here goes:

1.  I have never been to Canada.  It is the single most frustrating thing I've never done.

2.  I have never eaten a Mcdonald's hamburger.  Not even a bite.  I shit you not. 

3.  I have an affection for Michael J.  Fox bordering on the romantic.  Just have always loved that little guy.  Even now, he's great.  I'm starting to get a little choked up just thinking about it.

4.  I really like flowers.  

5.  While this particular candle has dimmed, I was a huge fan of Bruce Willis starting way back with Moonlighting.  I used to sit up at night alone in my living room at 12 or 13 watching that show and laughing my ass off.  

6.  I really enjoy the water even though I swim like a drunk cow.

7.  I moved approximately  . . . (counting in my head) 25 times before I was 20.  I am not a military brat.

8.  The Peanut?  Big surprise.  We thought we weren't having kids.  

9.   I used to be proficient at playing the timpani.

10.  I have a love/hate relationship with Hippies.  I think technically, one could refer to it as racial self-hatred.  

Ok.  Now for the lucky ones who get this next.  

My wife, Tumblweed, over at Lap Noodles.  I gave her my last one too, but she's brilliant and besides, we're married.  We share everything.

Suburban Correspondent at The More, The Messier.  I'm not sure how she'll react to this, but it may be in a curmudgeonly fashion.  Which is a big reason for giving it to her.  She is smart and funny and honest.

A Vapid Blond.  I have no idea if she accepts these things or not, but she's really funny.  

hadjare at WoWunk.  Again I don't know if she does this stuff or not, I just know she's cool.

Alright, 4 is my limit.  Congrats to you all.  But especially, congrats to me!


Pridefully,

Homemaker Man

     


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Busy Morning/Hey everyone, I'm a Whore!

So between whiny meltdowns this morning ("daddy, I'm hungry.  NO. I want something else.  NO.  I want to cook it."
Me:  "So lets go cook it."  Her:   No.  Idone wanna cook it!"  Me, mumbling:  Well, isn't daddy an over accommodating moron?"   Her:  "yeah.")  cleaning the house for company, and shoveling, I am taking time out to show you my, ahem, wares.  Don't look directly at them!  You'll claw your eyes out.

Today, I have my first ever guest post up over at Always Home and Uncool.  A few things you should know should you deign to read it.  He's a funny guy and a good writer.  He's also a lunatic.  A lunatic who tries not to swear, drinks too much beer, and hates (by which I mean secretly loves) the American Girl products he buys for his daughter.  So if you guys have an extra moment, please go on over there and give it a read.  Thanks everyone.

Homemaker Man

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Serenity of Family

Sebago Lake, Maine, at this time of year.  Winter's harsh beauty.  A lake of dark ice under a sky of dark ice broken only by the twinkling of stars.  The sound of the ice sheets shifting against each other.  Chirping.   Like the mating calls of small frogs.  We stand on the beach.  Clean, cold air, scrubbing our lungs.  Quiet.  Quiet.  Quiet.

Then:  My daughter's joyful cries echo over the lake.  She throws rocks at the ice with her older cousins.  They skitter and chirp across the surface.  "Didja hear that daddy?  Didja here that? Didja hear it daddy?  Didja hear it?"

Her younger brother answers first, bellowing from the snug safety of his bjorn, attached to me and buttoned tightly into my coat.  "Daaaa, YAAAAAA,  MAMAMAM bpppppthtrrp. RAAH!"

 "Here's another rock.  Here it is.  Throw it.  Throw it!  Whoa!" whoop her older cousins, overjoyed to be playing with our children.

My wife, impressing upon her daughter the beauty of the place she loves so much.  Or trying too.  "Isn't  it beautiful honey?  Watch out for the lake, don't step in (to me: Jesus it's freezing.  Why isn't she freezing?).

Appreciating quiet beauty is not exactly a toddler's forte.

I take in the star-gazing smorgasbord above and smile.  "I love a quiet night in the country." I think.  Out loud I exclaim, "Peanut, look at all those stars.  There must be at least  . . . 50.  50 stars!  Maybe 57, tops."

I'm not big on quiet either.

-------------------------------------------

We're home from the Great North Woods.  It was wonderful and serene and relaxing.  We visited the Aunties (actually 2 young adult cousins and a great-aunt).  They are generous and loving and hilarious.  If you've never seen a lanky, seemingly 8 -foot tall, 23 year-old woman get her ass kicked--twice--in wrestling matches by her 5'3"tall, 50 year-old mom, you really should.  You know in Tom and Jerry when Tom gets smashed into a building by a wrecking ball and all you can see are his limbs?  That's what it looked like.

And,  I napped.    Best.  Weekend.  Ever.

Life is good, people.  I'm on a role.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Today I: Confession.

Today is the first time I've ever participated in Fatherhood Friday at Dad-Blogs.com.  The theme this week is confession.  I must confess, It Was A Good Day.


Got up at five am (that's right), got everyone out the door on time.  Including the dog.

Got home, started laundry, practiced walking with the Pumpkin Man.  He holds me up by my hands til I get tired and go Whoops! on my bum.

Played some rough and tumble time with both kids.  They kicked my ass.

Played one of my favorite games with the Peanut.  She takes a finger full of Desitin, tells me I'm a pretty princess and that I have to get ready for the princess ball, dips a clean finger into the Desitin, and then proceeds to ever so gently and deliberately apply the Desitin make-up to my face.  I always feel so Goddamn pretty afterwards.  And my face is diaper rash free.

Reading time

Started packing for our weekend away in the frozen north (which oddly right now could be Georgia, but it's not.)

More laundry.

Called my wife's cell phone while she was working and sang 4 verses of Michael Jackson's I Can't Help It into her voice mail.  Game.  I gots it.

Lunch

Picked up wife.  Got home and had to fight rush hour traffic to go back into the city and get the flowers I sent that the receptionist failed to mention to my wife.   She didn't realize it was flowers.  I guess the word Flowers in a huge stylized logo on the front of the box didn't hip her to it.

Trader Joe's

Got home late, made dinner for 2 cranky kids under 3 with both of them in my arms; got them each to bed with a distinct lack of drama.  Oh yeah, it's good day and it ain't over yet.

Made a separate dinner of fried haddock and fries for my wife and I.  Delicious.

Blogged this bragginess.

Finished laundry and almost finished packing to follow.  Still working.  And liking it.


They call me the Homemaker Man
I guess that's what I am.










P.S. This was a good day. It has been butressed by many of the classic long or rough ones homemakers can have. I just felt like bragging a little for Fatherhood Friday. Sort of to celebrate it, I guess. Alright, I'll go.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Blogger Idol: The Results Are In

Apparently, I'm the second runner up in the Blogger Idol contest over at knuckleheadhumor.com.  2nd?  Runner Up?  That is bullshit.  That is fucking bullshit.  I demand a re-count immediate-- what?  I wasn't actually competing in the contest?  At all?  Well, then shit, that's pretty damn good.  I'll take 2nd runner-up in a contest I wasn't in all day.  Congrats to me!  

And congrats to MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings for pulling out the big win.  He is a good and deserved writer and I'm glad I found his blog.

Also, congrats to Candice at Life According to Candice for her excellent showing.  I already knew her blog pre-contest, and I'm a huge fan.

And thanks to Knucklehead for not only humoring me when I so rudely inserted myself (that's what she said) into his competition, but also linking to me in his blog.  I appreciate it and I really had fun.

That is all

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Blogger Idol: The Finals

This is the final piece for the Blogger idol competition over at knuckleheadhumor.com .  The one in which I am not a contestant.  I gotta hand it to those who did it for real. Perhaps I lack motivation because I don't have throngs of typing fans click-clacking out their votes for me weekly, but I am pooped.   It's almost like NabloPoMo around here.  Ok Here's the last entry.  Author's choice.  After this, it's back to posting adorably cute and funny things my toddler says for a bit.  Thanks for reading.

I uses to work at a place, taking phone calls.  I won't give the name of the place, because it's a rather large company, and those places can get pretty crabby when you talk shit about them.  I'll give the first and last letters and if you figure it out, so be it.  Begins with F.  Ends with idelity Investments.  But that's all I'm saying.

I took phone calls from people who owned stocks and/or mutual funds. They would call and ask how their money was doing.  A lot of times it was people who were bullshitting.  They'd call and fire off about 10 different stock symbols, and then sometimes ask to talk to a broker, and that would allow them to brag to their friends about how they were "playing the market."  11 shares of AT&T?  Ah-ight, playa.

Sometimes people were normal.  Sometimes weird.  One time this:

Early on in the job, I got this call.  This guy with a thick, nasal twang.  Sort of like what it would sound like if a banjo could talk.   He was one of those people who always use too much air when the say w words.  He also had a pretty good sized account.

I won't give his name.  Really.  We'll call him Alabama.  I answered the phone, "thank you for calling Fidegkhfjn Invesdivmfjnvu, this is Homemaker speaking, how can I help you?"

"Homemaker," he drawled.  " Homemaker, whhy is the market doin' what it's doin'? "

"Well sir, have you looked at the Wall St. Jo-"

"First, it goes up.  Then, it goes daown.   Whhyy Homemaker, Whhyy?"

"Well I could look at-"

"Homemaker, D'you know what I think?   I think maybe it's the Mexicans."

I didn't know how to handle that.  I hung up.

One of the interesting things was that though it was a call center for a large company, we often got repeat calls.

I got Al again.  I saw his name on the computer screen.  This time, I was ready.  I patched him through but waited for him to go first.

"Hello? Who-

I answered, in my best possible accent.  Mexican accent.  "Heeey ese'.  Joo know what ees happening with yor stocks?  S'not so goood.  You migh' want to conseeder coincident eeconomic indeecators and go weeeth a capeetal  prehservation strahyedy (strategy).   Joo feel me, vato?  Oops.  Never mind.  I just put everything you had eento chimichangas.  Sorry, homes.

This time, he hung up.

Did I ever tell you about the time I was fired from my job answering phones?

Friday, February 5, 2010

Character as Desire/ Sheila and Paulie

I need to learn how to write a story by tomorrow.  I've got something due by sunday at the latest and I don't really know what I'm doing.  Also, I hate homework. My wife offered to help and I accepted because she is an English teacher and an excellent writer.  And my wife.  She has given me a writing exercise called Character as desire.  The story I wrote follows.  The exercise will be at the bottom of the post for those who want to try it.  We almost had a fight over this because I didn't want to do it right away because it felt like homework.


-------------------------

Sheila and Paulie

"Hey Paulie,"  Sheila the Giant Clam said to the sperm whale drifting by, letting the current carry him.

"Where're you going ?"

"Huh? "Oh, I have to go to choir practice."  Said Paulie.

"That sounds awesome."  said Sheila

"Eh," said Paulie.  " I'd rather be doing above water jumps or giant tail splashes with my friends."

"Well, that sounds fun too" said Sheila as she shifted minutely on her sand pile, "but I love listening to whale choir practice.  The songs you sing are so beautiful. And you have an amazing voice, Paulie, I've heard it."

"Yeah, well thanks, I guess.  I mean most whales are pretty good singers.  It's nothing special.  I'd rather burst out of the water near passing ships and get my picture taken." Said Paulie.

"But, Paulie, the whole ocean loves the songs of the whales.  Even humans think they're beautiful." said Shiela.

"Huh?"  said Paulie, twisting his giant body back to face Sheila. "Oh yeah, look I gotta go Sheila.  I'm pretty sure I just saw the bottom of a cruise ship go by.  If you see the choir master, we never talked!'  Said Paulie as he swam off.

"Paulie, don't skip choir practice.  Paulie you have a gift . . . Goddammit Paulie, you ungrateful . . . I'm telling your choir master everything, you little prick!"  Sheila screamed after him.

She started opening and closing her shell, propelling herself from her sand pile.  "Fuck!"  She said through gritted shell.  It would take her forever to get to the chorus hall.  "Fucking ungrateful whale punks."  She muttered as she settled back into the sand.  "First adult whale that comes by, I am ratting his punk ass out,"  she thought to herself.   The quiet of the sea enveloped her as she sat, and sucked in algae, and fumed.

The End,



Character as desire writing exercise:


Write 5 sentences like this:

My character is a _____ ___ year old ______ who wants _____

Examples:  My character is a blue 6 year old monster who wants cookies.  Or:

My character is an angry 72 year old mexican man who wants power.

Then pick the one you find most compelling.

The actual character sketch I used was:

My character is a beautiful 25 year old sea clam who wants to sing.

Try not to do something like: My character is a mild 38 year old white man who wants a sandwich, because who cares?

Then write down these emotions in list form

Laugh
Angry
Afraid
Lonely
Tender

This is what I wrote for mine.

Laugh- My character laughs at seal pups playing.  
Angry- My character feels angry when whales take their ability to sing for granted
Afraid- My character feels afraid when she sees a giant with an enormous tub of tartar sauce
Lonely- My character feels lonely when she realizes no one knows about her dream to sing
Tender- My character feels tender towards other artistic mollusks with no outlet.

Then write a story based on one of the above emotions.

Good Luck.





Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Blogger Idol Round 5 finally for real this time / I am So So SO Sorry, Mr . Geisel

Ok, here finally, is my submission for round 5 of the knuckleheadhumor.com Blogger idol Contest I'm not competing in.  It's a piece writeen in the style of the great Dr. Seuss.  I'm pretty sure the Ghost of Dr. Seuss himself was trying to keep me from completing this.  I inadvertently deleted it.  Twice.  The second time when everything was done and I was just screwing with the font.  


My sincerest and deepest apologies to anyone who has ever enjoyed a Dr. Seuss book, as well as to the good Dr. himself.  


This.  Well, it's something.  On that note:  Enjoy, Everybody!


Inspired by Horton Hear's a Who

Hedron was bathing, a-splashing and scrubbing
touching things that one touches when one is tubbing
Enjoying bath joys, both simple and clean
When he heard on the street a cacophonous scene

He jumped from the tub, he popped all his bubbles
he slid to the window to peek at the troubles
In front of his house, number one-seven-oh
Was a long-legg-ed, wig-wearing, tatted up Ho
A Ho?  In this neighborhood?  Well what do you know?

The Ho wasn't working, at least not very well
She was standing her stand, and yelling this yell:
"What happened, where am I,"  The angry ho said
"I'm supposed to be tied up in John Edwards' bed."

Hedron called from his post upon high, second floor
"Stay put ma'am.  Don't move.  I'll help you. What's more,
I'll make sure you get there for panky and hanky
For a person's a person, no matter how skanky."

Hedron threw on some clothes and fell down the stairs
(After combing his teeth and tooth-brushing his hairs)
He put socks on his hands and wore one purple shoe
Burst through his front door and coughed, "How do you do?"

"I'm lost and I'm late," said the cranky old slut
And this g string is lodged 2/3 up my butt.
I'm late for my date with a disgraced democrat"
and nobody likes anything about that.

"I can help find your uh, meeting," said Hedron with tact.
Tact was not lacked by Hedron, in fact.
"I know all the short cuts, both longish and quick
Why in ten minutes time you'll be sucking his dick!"

"You'd do that for me?" the Ho said, astonished
"Well of course" and "who wouldn't?"" Hedron admonished
There is no need for worry and no need to thank me
A Person's a Person, no matter how skanky

He grabbed the whore's hand and took off at a run
Down his street to the first house, house number one
through yards, over fences past garages and sheds
through people's living rooms, under their beds.

Until they arrived at the Ramada Express
Quick checkout, discretion and the porn was the best
The Ho fixed her tube top and re-shifted her hair
And found they were there with 3 minutes to spare.

The Ho stared and then spoke, "My gratitude's great."
She gave him a coupon,  It read, "Good For One Date."
Then the Ho grinned, like a great whore-asaurus
and the sun caught the ring pierced through her cli'-toris.

Hedron considered her generous offer
What to do, what to do?  "Not bang" or "Yes boff'er."
Choosing is hard when there's more than one choice
I guess it makes sense to . . . Hey, what's That Voice?

It wasn't one voice that Horton was hearing
But many loud voices, each screaming and cheering
And these voices all lived, it seemed, if you please
below the Ho's waist and above the Ho's knees

There were Creepies and Crabs and Sifils named Phylis
Crawlies and Itchies and a tiny Bruce Willis
"Join us!"  They cried, "There's plenty of room
Here in the womb called The Temple of Doom

"Know what? forget it.  You'll be late for your gig,"
Hedron said as he reached out and patted her wig
"I said it before and I said it pointblank-y
A Person's A Person.  No matter how skanky."
(And I think he chose wisely, if we're speaking frankly)



The End

Thank God

Blogger Idol Round 5 finally / I am So So Sorry, Mr . Geisel/Dammit

I had one.  I promise.  I just effing deleted the entire thing.  I'll try again tonight to recall it.  I am incredibly frustrated.























































 

Monday, February 1, 2010

Blogger Idol Postponed/Big News.

The theme for this week's blogger Idol contest that I'm not participating in over at knuckleheadhumor.com  is Dr. Seuss, write something in his style.  My reason for postponement is that my Brother In Law and his wife have had their first child.  A little girl.  We'll call her . . . my niece.  Has a nice ring to it.   I should have something by the end of the night.  Tired now.  Need nap.  Must make sure kids go down.  Will cover their cages with dark blanket.  Like parakeets.

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