First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Knucklehead Blog-off: The Finals

We've made it to the final round of the Knucklehead Blog-off. Thanks so much to everyone who has voted. I am very surprised to be here in the finals. My noble competitor, CardioGirl.  Voting begins at 1pm eastern and ends Wednesday at 9pm eastern. Please read and vote based on merit.  And based on the fact that I've been praying and lighting candles for each and every one of your souls. And small children and puppies love me. And a hug from me cures glaucoma and restless leg syndrome. And Tuberculosis. And please vote

 The final round here is writing dialogue via an assigned writing exercise: Pick three figures with whom you would like to dine. The catch --  they have to be a cartoon, an american historical figure, and a villain/scoundrel type

I had trouble deciding. I lobbied to be able to pick Captain Caveman as my cartoon and Fred Flintstone as my historical figure. Imagine the shit those two could talk about. The villain in that scenario, the T-rex from Land of The Lost.

Or I thought I'd pick the Wonder twins, Jerry Lee Lewis and the Catholic church and then I'd spend the evening watching them chase each other around around the table while simultaneously trying to dial 911.

Instead, I went in a different direction. Three separate dinner parties for your perusal. Three because I eat fast, and I'm hungry a lot. Please note: these were written in fugue state brought on by shoveling, the ingestion of 1 bag of Doritos, 19 Bagel Bites, and also some post-coital languidness. Oh. Yeah.  Dead. Sexy.


Setting: Italian Restaurant 

The invitees: Hitler, Lincoln, and the car from the Hanna Barbera Laffalympics.

Lincoln: "What the fuck did you invite Hitler for? You know that guys' an asshole, right?"

Car:  "Achickkaaahh achikkachugahchuguh bbpbpbpbp *wheeeeze*" (in obvious agreement.)

Hitler: (Day dreaming)

Me: Whatcha thinking about, Hitler?

Hitler (dreamily): Jews.

Lincoln: Makes hand gestures and waggle his huge eyebrows as if to say, "See? See?"

Laff olympics car: "Vroom vroom! Boing. Zzzzzippt. I-ee-i-ee-i-ee.  Beepbeep."

End Scene

Setting: Italian Restaurant 

The Diners: Abe Lincoln (Again, yes. Why? He absolutely loved manicotti. That's a fact.),  a Shmoo, and John Wilkes Booth.

Lincoln: Are you shitting me? Last time you invited me to dinner it was with Hitler and a car with a speech impediment and now th *BANG*.

Shmoo: (Horrified as the bullet passes harmlessly through it's blood spattered body) ghGHHGghghgghgGHGghghgh!

Boothe: Sic Semper Tyrannis!

Me:  (To Booth) I am not picking up this che *BANG*.

Booth (to the bloody Shmoo): Dine and Dash?

Shmoo: You bet your ass, looney cakes.

Setting: Italian restaurant

The three. Ted Bundy, Pepe Le Pew, John Kennedy.

We sit at the table. 

Something passes between the three of them. They nod in agreement.

Kennedy: Fuck this-ah fucking lame fucking writing exercise and lets go get some fucking pussaaahhhhh!"
(They stand and depart in formation. Three heat seeking whoremongers whose unsuspecting public awaits.)

End Scene.



Shmoo Courtesy of: via Hanna Barbera

Laffalympics Dune Buggy courtesy of: via Hanna Barbera

Pepe Le Pew courtesy of: via Warner Bros.


  1. I've stayed off the blog circuit for 9 freakin days by choice. And this is what I get when I return? I'll vote because you deserve something for the past few weeks of shoveling snow off of everything in sight. How's the roof?

  2. The second one literally had me laughing out loud. I know, people always say "LOL" when they're not really laughing.

    I was really laughing. On my couch. Alone. Eyes watering, the dog looking at me like I'm nuts.

    Which of course I am.

    Just the moment where the *BANG* cut Lincoln off mid-sentence. Struck me as hilarious.

    Good luck in the voting.

  3. I'm still having a hard time imagining Hitler saying ANYTHING "dreamily."


    Good one!

  4. Cardiogirl stole my comment... pussssaaaahhhh... classic.
    Sidenote: in France, push is poussez and it's written on doors (you know, as Iike an instruction) but I choose to say it the JFK way. I'm the only one laughing, but it cracks me up everytime.

  5. You are seriously demented. I mean that as a compliment. You've got my vote.

  6. Damn, I hate dining with Booth... he never lets you get a word in edgewise. The bastard!

  7. LOL! Everyone of these made me laugh!
    Certainly got my vote!

  8. Win! Win! Win! Win! Win!
    Loved this one.

  9. I hate when I can't find a nice Booth in an Italian restaurant.

  10. This is a serious frikkin' riot. I had to clean the chili off my monitor just to comment.

  11. On a second read, a thought occurred to me. The second group, was Lincoln shot while sitting at a table or in a . . .

    . . . wait for it . . .


    ba DUMP bump.

  12. @Cheryl You're welcome

    @Knucklehead Your dog sounds judgemental

    @Eva Hi Eva. Wackiness is good. Thank you.

    @jayne HA!

    @Quirkyloon Really? Artist, vegetarian, World Beater. sounds like a dreamer to me. And TY

    @CardioGirl Many a woman was sorry later for thinking the exact same thing.

    @SL Anything sexual in that accent is hilarious.

    @Suldog Thanks. Good to meet you!

    @Boom Boom I know. Murderous is one thing, but that sort of rudeness, I mean, c'mon.

    @Alice Hi Alice. Good to hear from you. Thank you.

    @DiPi THanks! Thanks! Thanks!Thanks! Thanks!

    @Adrienne Heh. I know. It's like, "mmm, shouldwe take the one with the duct tape, or the one with the gun?"

    @Clark Kent You've got chili? Lucky. Thanks dude.

    @knucklehead Or maybe they were in the "John." Huh? Huh?

  13. It was the third one that got me. Hysterical.

  14. i've always thought ted bundy was handsome. does that make me weird? maybe. does that make me 1980's dead meat? probably.

    btw- i tagged you in my most recent post.

  15. Your inner monologue must be a fascinating place to be. If the writers for "Robot Chicken" need a replacement they should call on you asap.


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