First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Polar Excess

So this friday, at the Peanut's school, everyone gets to show up at school in their PJ's, drink hot chocolate, and watch Polar Express. What a pant load.

This is such a creepy, lousy movie. Cold, soulless, and commercial. Tom Hanks should get kicked right in his Forrest Gumps for making that piece of shit. And the Peanut is about to watch it. Again. See, they do this every year. Show this sneakily cynical mall Christmas suckfest. Which incidentally is the title of my new Christmas album. Look for it on Spotify.

There are so many other Christmas movies I'd rather the Peanut watch. I'd rather she watch Bad Santa than watch this movie. I'd rather she watch Ernest Saves Christmas. Jingle All The Way. Die Hard. The Bad Lieutenant. Which technically isn't a Christmas movie but does include a scene with a nun and and a crucifix that is particularly of the Christmas spirit.

This is her school though. They try to something nice for the kids, but in the worst way possible. They have school spirit days where in they send notes home encouraging the kids to dress in the colors of either the Bruins, Patriots, or Red Sox.

I've got nothing (or at least very little) against sports or sports fandom, but what does that have to do with school spirit? This is why I don't follow those teams as much as I might. The cult-like level of sports indoctrination in this region kind of turns me off to the whole thing. Then again, it might just be because I'm a Celtics fan.

It's a microcosm of our city. This is the kind of place that'll start a revolutionary new recycling program, concurrently purchase a bunch of those solar powered trash compacting trash cans, then place those cans two to a corner, leaving chunks of the city a half mile long with no trash cans. Jesus, I sound fucking old.

It's the kind of place that advertises a big tree lighting ceremony and has carolers that can't sing, runs out of the promised--Promised!-- hot chocolate a twenty minutes in, and is generally run with all the organization and professionalism of a cheap bachelor party strip show.

They mean well. the citizens of my city, but they're morons. Big, well-meaning, puddin'-headed, Lennys  cuddling the city to jelly while losing their credibility. Which incidentally is why they should vote for me I as I make my run for city council. That's my campaign slogan. "Big, well-meaning, puddin-headed Lennys cuddling the city to jelly: Vote Homemaker Man! There'll be cake! And puppies! Easy on those puppies." Look for it, Nov. 2012.


HM

P.S. I don't actually think anyone under the age of 25 should see the Bad Lieutenant. I feel the same way about Polar Express. Also, a blurb written about Polar Express by inter-friend and Babble top 50 Dadblogger, TwoBusy, you can find here.

9 comments:

  1. Polar Express... never seen it, but I'll trust your opinion.
    They showed 'A Cristmas Story' at my Catholic elementary school when I was little. I thought that was very progressive of them (they'd also show Darby O'Gill and the Little People on St Patrick's Day)

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  2. My grandkids actually rode on the Polar Express and had great fun! You are sounding like a grinch. Are you doing Hunnakuh this year?

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  3. My son signed up to watch Polar Express at his last day of school tomorrow. I tried to gently remind him that it sucked and that he didn't like it last year, but to no avail. Also, if you record "this sneakily cynical mall Christmas suckfest," I will buy a copy for each of my friends next Christmas. I'm sick of the same 10 songs/different people christmas cds. Great post! Also, I might work on your campaign...

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  4. My son signed up to watch Polar Express at his last day of school tomorrow. I tried to gently remind him that it sucked and that he didn't like it last year, but to no avail. Also, if you record "this sneakily cynical mall Christmas suckfest," I will buy a copy for each of my friends next Christmas. I'm sick of the same 10 songs/different people christmas cds. Great post! Also, I might work on your campaign...

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  5. Ok, her school encourages her to wear RED SOX AND PATRIOTS STUFF?!?!?!

    As a mandated reporter myself, I am now forced to report the school to the authorities for the willful humiliation, degradation, and abuse of children.

    Jeez.

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  6. "There'll be cake!" = Homemaker Man is the Marie Antoinette of Boston.

    Which, y'know... could work.

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  7. You can count on my vote (if they'll let someone from Watertown vote for you. I don't see why not. I used to live in Dorchester, Isn't that good enough for 'em?)

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  8. I took Mia to see Polar Express at the cinema when it first came out...and I also found it totally creepy and devoid of any kind of soul.

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  9. We haven't seen Polar Express yet. You make it sound so awesome.

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