First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The F**king Problem With Cats Is . . .

Cats.  The cats are a fucking problem.  More than two cats--we have three--and you might as well resign yourself to being an old cat lady.

Here’s the thing about the cats: 

You know those days when no one seems to care?  When your kids got up even earlier than usual?  When your daughter is repeating, “Daddy, how about this song?  How about this song, daddy?  Daddy how about this song?  Ad infinitum.

And the song in question is the midi version of “This Old Man” and it’s emanating from a one-cent microchip embedded in a 25 dollar toy and no matter how many times you smile and say, “yes honey, that song is great.  What a beautiful song.  That song is sooo totally amazing sweetheart.”  It doesn’t matter because she’s just not sure that you get exactly how amazing this piece of shit midi version of This Old Man is, so how about we play it again?  And again.  And again.  And your son is trying as hard as he can to open up a drawer in the changing table and then close it with just enough violence and force to squash his own fingers to smithereens.  And your wife is not home but if she were she’d have just gotten home from work so she’d be facebooking or something and who can blame her because she deserves some time to unwind after work. 

So you go upstairs to pee, and while you’re up there, you see all three cats wound together in an inviting clump on the bed.  So you slip into the bedroom, just for a minute, so that you can bury your face into their musty, musky, dusty fur.  Because they’re really your best friends in the world.  And you talk to them as such.

“You guys are truly my best friends.  The dog?  Fuck the dog.  The dog tries hard, but lets be honest here, she’s a complete moron.  You guys are really my true friends. My go-to team of loving, understanding . . hey.  What No!  Don’t puke on the fucking comforter!  Goddammit!"

And that is the problem with cats. 

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Not to leave you on a down note, my lovely and talented daughter told me this story today:

"The prince has the babies.  And she flies up in the sky with the babies and then they get in the car and they go to the doctor’s.  And then they get there and the doctor sees them to make sure they are alright.  And the doctor says the are alright so the prince, she takes them into the car and they all go home and watch Elmo."

My favorite part of that story is the lack of recognition of traditional gender roles.  Why?  Because I’m a wee bit of an ivory tower douche’.   

Eh.  Know thyself.  And shit.

Blogging during nap-time,

Homemaker Man

19 comments:

  1. your girl's story is so preciousss...
    My niece tells amazing stories too~adorable!

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  2. Silly me - I thought it was a lack of understanding of basic biology (unless, of course, the prince is a sea dragon)...

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  3. Horse - sea HORSE. Duh. Sometimes I amaze myself with my own stupidity.

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  4. Blogging while napping is really not the best idea. Someone could hurt out here in the blogosphere.

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  5. Cats. They are the masters of sucking your love in, and spitting it back in your face. Yes, I have one.

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  6. Great, now I'll have "This Old Man, He Plays One" in my head all afternoon.

    You bastard.

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  7. I admit to being glad my husband is allergic to cats. And I love the story!

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  8. My 5 year old grandson once asked me whose idea it was to put his baby brother in his Mommy's tummy. I said, "I think it was your Mommy's because she wanted you to have a little brother to play with." He thought about that for a while, then asked, "Did you have any babies, Memere?" "yes, I answered. You're Daddy and your Uncle Jason are my babies." He looked my 5-foot frame up and down and you could see the wheels turning as his mind conjured up his 6-foot one uncle and his 5 foot nine dad. Then he grinned at me as though he'd gotten the joke and said, "You're funny, Memere!"

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  9. Damn cats. Once every three years my wife casually says, "Hey, you know what might round out this family? A cat." And I always say Hell No, for the precise reason you described. NO to cat puke. I'm going to tell her to start reading your blog, so you better not go back and start up with any cat love. I'm trusting you.

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  10. Cats RAWK it. The more the merrier, but this is especially true if they're affectionate and fighting for your attention. Makes the occasional cat puke emission (VERY occasional) worth it.

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  11. I don't think I had EVER seen the word "smithereens" in print. I didn't even know it was a REAL word! (My spell-checker says it is and who am I to argue with that?) That is great. You are a real princess for sharing that information.

    Plus, I hate cats. I've never met a cat that I liked. I married a woman that is deathly allergic to them so I would never have to have them in my house. It was love at first sneeze.

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  12. You...YOU, CAT HOARDER YOU!!!! :)

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  13. Your jinxed me!!!! My cats, who haven't had an accident in YEARS, crapped three times on my floor tonight. *SOB!!!* I guess that is what I get for being flip.

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  14. The thought of sleeping with you made the cats so nauseous they got sick? That isn't very friendly of them. My money is on the dog. She is always happy to see you and seems to be able to entertain the p-man for at least 5 minutes =D

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  15. We have 2 cats and Im just waiting for them to die. I'd like them more if I didn't have to clean the litter box

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  16. I love your cat story, and I love the part about your daughter loving "This Old Man." Dude, have you turned her onto that Fridge DJ yet? The "Annie-Annie-Ooh" song? Killer.

    I also love how you affirm your wife's right to unwind after work... because it's so true yet OH MY GOSH PLEASE GET HOME AND RESCUE ME FROM THESE KIDS-- WTF ARE YOU DOING ON THE FRIGGING COMPUTER???????

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  17. just wanted to put a quick comment on here to say that I don't mean to imply my wife isn't helpful with the kids when she gets home. she usually takes'em off my hands right after she gets settled upon coming home. i have the best one.

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  18. She must have read the post. LOL!

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  19. I always thought Prince was a girl

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