Meet Kevin and Fat Tony, contractors of the macabre

I would introduce myself and my family more completely, but I need to tell the story of the contractor working on our house first.  

We'll get to my family later.

So, we're having some work done on the house right now. I was in charge of getting estimates and picking our contractor. I picked the cheapest one.  My wife is a teacher and I don't make a salary so . . . maybe not the wisest choice, but what are you going to do? 

First the "boss" Kevin:  He is about 6'1, paper thin, pale like a dead thing, hunched shoulders, black hair.

A description of his skill set in his own words:   "I'm a master carpenter kid, my work is great I'm a master carpenter and a master mason kid don't worry about that what I'm really into is finance that's what I went to umass for but I take this kind of job just for exercise because I usually work for the government, that's where the real money is.   but don't worry about that kid because I'm also a master mechanic . . ." 

And I hired him.  After checking his references, which were, we'll say, decent (more on that later), but still.  

He has working with him a little, round, fat, bald

olive-toned man named (I'm sure you've guessed) Tony who is his laborer whose apparent job is to clean-up, be ranted at constantly, and to respond to the ranting with slow, sort of high pitched (he sounds like a very young, much less intense Al Pacino) speech and dull obstinate eyes.

  It's like serial killer Abbot and Costello.