First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Friday, March 5, 2010

This conversation is being recorded . . .

I'm being watched.  Every move is being documented, analyzed, parsed for later use.  Nothing goes unnoticed.  Very little goes un-repeated.  Today as my wife and daughter were coming downstairs from a bath, my daughter looked at my wife and said, mildly, "Jesus Christ and Holy Shit."  When asked why she said that, she replied "I'm supposed to say that."

Which is such bullshit.  I'm supposed to say that.  She is supposed to not hear it.  She is supposed to be ignoring me when I'm saying dumb things and paying rapt attention, crayon and pad in hand when I'm laying down wisdom.  Why couldn't she have repeated this gem I laid down: "Can you believe we thought we knew about being parents?   We were just kids then."

Which I think is true.  You do feel suddenly more grown-up after having kids.  Also, I "borrowed" that insight from last night's episode of the Office.  An insight my daughter failed to write down because she was already in bed when I re-interpreted it.  All cozy and innocent.  I know better.  During daylight hours she's a tiny, chocolate-milk mustachiod, Bob Woodward . . .

 We went to play group again today and when my wife sat down with her, she told her everything.  Spilled all of it.  "I went down the slide headfirst, the bouncy castle is too big and the kids are too rough (info withheld from me even though I asked because it seems I lack the necessary security clearance), I liked playing on the mats, I did a summersault." Everything.  

I cannot carry on this way.  How am I supposed to live?  How am I supposed to get away with taking multiple cat naps, going online way to much, or rewinding and re-watching the newest Jenny Craig commercials starring a scintillating Valerie Bertinelli.  The little girl is a rat.  And she sees everything.  She hears.  Everything.  Big Brother is my little daughter.  I now know how it felt to be a parent during the Cultural Revolution.  

My wife joked, "You better not have an affair.  She'll tell me."  I better not have an affair?  I better not neglect to vacuum under the couch or eat anymore secret cake.  There are many things I do which would be better if I didn't.  I better not not watch Tarantino movies anymore with my finger on the mute button so I can try and kill the swears.  I better stop making her take out the trash.  I'd better stop dressing one in the other's clothes so I can tell people we had two girls.  

Wait, what? 

She even rats on herself.  As I was bustling about the kitchen the other day, I heard the Pumpkin man start crying.  I turned around and he was on his ass.  I asked the Peanut, "What happened?'  

"I pushed him,"  she replied.

Just like that.  A confession.  With out coercion.  Actually, I like that.  I like that a lot.  

I guess I'll just have to get used to it.  The New World Order.


Homemaker Man

This post brought to you by Fatherhood Friday at


  1. It's because we tell our kids to report back. My son and I have an arrangement. He reports back about Daddy and I give him chocolate. Win, win. ;)

    I love your blog, btw.

  2. Visiting via dad-blogs. Fantastic post; I've become a follower.

    I dread this. With two on the way, I imagine I'll just end up with a situation where I have more eyes on me even more often. Oh my...

  3. HILARIOUS!!!! This is my favorite post yet! So funny!

  4. I love it. A spy and whistleblower all in one!

  5. I took my son to a play group last week. When my wife came home I said "Hey buddy, tell mommy what we did today." You know what he said?

    "Oh shit!"

    He turns 2 next month. In all fairness, I said it earlier in the day while driving in back of a car that nearly went off the road, but that tape recorder masquerading as a diapered toddler absorbs everything and repeats it later at inopportune times.

    Good post.

  6. Kids are horrible when it comes to hearing things they aren't supposed to hear, when you think they are distracted by something else and they aren't listening, but in all actuality, they are listening to every. fucking. word. (I know that made no sense. Just roll with it)

    When my 2 year old said "move it ASSHOLE" when we were stuck in traffic driving to the grocery store one day, I realized then that I needed to curb my road rage just a scontch.

    Apparently she wasn't as engrossed in her Magna-fucking-doodle as I thought she was.

  7. Trust me on this: Having a blurty kid is MUCH simpler than having a secretive one.

  8. Dude, my kids are all grown and they STILL rat on me. To each other! "Hey, did you hear what Mom did?" And then the snickers and finger-pointing starts ramping up until I am the laughing stock. So, just a warning, this is only the beginning!

    Have a nice day.

  9. multiple cat naps can be dangerous for us humans!
    funny post once again!!

  10. Eve-Payola. I knew it

    K.M. Good to meet you. twins can relay info abou you telepathically too. So yeah, you're effed.

    B-Hi B! How's home. good to hear from you.

    Eva-Don't encourage her

    candace- Magnafuckingdoodle! What's a scontch? Conch scotch.

    Jett-Thanks for the visit. The ominous and foreboding visit.

    FL-I can't wait til they start making fun of me, honestly. Means they've begun underestimating me.

    L-Thanks, dude.

    DF-They remember those words because we're always passionate when we say them. I'm going to try saying golly in the same voice for a while.

  11. Soon she'll start lying, they all do, then you're golden, everyone can assume that she's lying about Daddy taking naps and feeding her cookies for lunch...oh, wait...that's me...and I have 3 that can talk to tell their assorted parents...oops!

  12. Wait til they are six and say stuff like, "Well mommy does it so why can't I?" Yeah, that is nice especially when it is said to my ex.

  13. That's so funny. Before moving to France, I'd babysit my two nieces and nephew a lot. Let's just say, the three little informers have told me way more about my brother and his wife than I ever wanted to know

  14. I worry so much when my kids stay with other people...they are indeed mini 007's.

    Things like, "My mom had to wear her 'special' tank top (girdle) with her fat jeans today," are better left unsaid.

  15. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    If you don't want her repeating things, I think you can teach her they are bad by saying, "That's a bad word." and then every time you say it she'll tell you, "Daddy, that's a bad word."

    But I think it is hilarious!!!


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