First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hoarders For the Last Time I Promise

I know I’ve mentioned Hoarders before, but my wife made me watch it again last night:

Her:  Oh honey, Hoarders.

Me:  Sure why not, I need to clean out the pantry anyway.

So as I watch and engage with the show (“Why won’t they leave that woman be?  We've all had a couple rat carcasses lying around under a ton and ½ of used everything from time to time.  Judge-y judge-y.”) I have a moment of clarity.  I realize who I really feel for in these situations.  Dragons.

Put yourself in a dragon’s shoes for a moment.  Colorful scales, giant wings, razor sharp claws, atrocious breath.  That’s you (and yo’ mama, zing!  I apologize.).

There you are lying in an indentation you’ve managed dig out of your impossibly huge mound –-or hoard—of treasure when some dumb, insensitive, knight comes along and starts threatening to paw through your stuff.  You have an anxiety attack, as any hoarder would, and you lash out.  Oh and by the way, why does a dragon even need treasure?  They don’t.  Classic hoarder behavior. 

So now, you’ve lashed out over nothing, burned a knight to a crisp, eviscerated him with your claws, etc.  The whole village is pissed, they ban together or hire a champion, and bam, your whole species is extinct. 

Maybe if someone had just tried finding you a licensed therapist who specialized in hoarding/ocd disorders, an organization expert, and the phone number for 1-800-GOT-JUNK, your species would be alive today.  Vital members of society, holding jobs (Smaug's Home and Auto Insurance)  and raising families. 

Hoarding killed the dragons.  I’m almost positive.  Look for my scholarly paper in the next issue of The Journal of Paleontology. 

Obviously watching too much tv,

Homemaker Man

P.S.  My bloggy friend Suburban Correspondent wrote a very beautiful and very sad piece about MamaPundit and her oldest son.  I'd never read her before today but she could use all the thoughts or prayers she can get right now as she navigates the unthinkable.  It's a very difficult story to read, so for those of you who aren't in a place for something like that today, I don't blame you.  Just needed to put it out there.



  1. ha!..

    Do you watch the big bang theory? The "zing" thing reminded me of that show!

  2. I think the dragon analogy is amazing! lol

    And the Mama Pundit link was sad, sad. I thank whoever every day that our older son made it through his teens safely. There were serious doubts he would. I can't imagine what she is going through now.

  3. Never mind ... I figured it out by going to suburban's website.

    Also, I have started recording Hoarders as it gives me excellent motivation to clean. Though, i have noticed that Buried Alive seems to be a little more compassionate.

  4. Definitely too much TV...but hey, I find your theory reasonable.

    MamaPundit's blog is "suspended" - I assume the servers were overloaded. The blogosphere is an amazing place.

  5. Hoarders is horrifying, but I just can't look away... it makes me feel so damn GOOD about myself!

  6. I'm sure this post had a lot of great ideas and theories. I'm sure it explained some things I have always wondered about life. I'm sure it was written with the style and grace that is Homemaker Man. But I missed ALL of that because you talked about my mama! You should be ashamed (especially after that WEAK apology)!

  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

  8. Your theory is absolutely plausible. I also sometimes think my long-standing belief in Bigfoot is tempered by hoarders. I totally believe in Bigfoot, but more than anything, I appreciate the fact I've never bumped into one because it's perhaps accidently holed up in someone's trash-strewn family room.

  9. Oh Man, does that mean I'm turning into a dragon??? =0

  10. My fiance works for code enforcement, and she has to deal with hoarders all the time. We watch the show occasionally and she says that without the smell, you don't really get the full impact.

    Not that anyone would want to.

  11. If only the dragons had reality TV.

    The world would be a better place.

  12. I bet that is what happened to the Unicorns too.

  13. I love reality tv!
    the analogy is pretty good!

  14. I love the Horder's shows. I've been clearing out my clutter since I started watching them. My husband even asked where I want the TV next, so I can clean that area.


Blog Rankings

Humor Blogs - Blog Rankings