My wife made me watch Hoarders last night. Again. For those that don’t know, it’s a show about people who, uh, hoard . . . things. I guess it was kind of self-explanatory.
I never choose to watch that show. She makes me watch it. I'll be sitting there, buried in the computer, "working" (twitter!) on a blog post, and she'll start with the noises:
I never choose to watch that show. She makes me watch it. I'll be sitting there, buried in the computer, "working" (twitter!) on a blog post, and she'll start with the noises:
“Oh my. Wow. What th. . . aw! How is he living like . . . honey, you’ve got to see this. Honey. Honey, just real quick, I’ll rewind it.”
I glance up and protest, “No honey, no. Really, that’s ok you don’t have to rewi-YAAH! Jesus Christ.” And then I’m hooked. Devious minx.
It makes me squirm to watch people suffer like that*. On the bright side, there is nothing that’ll get you up off your ass to do some house cleaning quicker than a couple episodes of Hoarders right in a row.
“Is that two soda cans and a receipt? Shit, I’m a hoarder. “
One of the things that disturb me apart from the human aspect, is that some of these people hoard animals. One woman had 76 cats in her home. Not all of them in the best of shape.
We have 3 cats a dog and some fish . . . fuck. I’m a hoarder.
Aside from freaking me out, this got me to thinking, “what would be the worst pets to Hoard?” I’m sure that Hoarders would get killer ratings from a “ Hoarders: Top 50 worst pets to hoard,” episode. I figure a home all a-flutter with fruit bats has got to be good tv.
So I started a list. I’m trying to stay away from obvious things like rats or poisonous snakes or spiders. As with any list post on this blog, please feel free to add your own.
Worst Pets to Hoard (in no particular order.)
Lampreys
Dung beetles. Because you know what else you have to hoard to keep them around . . .
Buzzards. “Yeah, I gotta lot of buzzards. They’re friendly. They like to watch me sleep.”
Fire ants.
Bed bugs. “Got 6 beds full of those.”
Gila monsters.
Bears. You only need to keep a couple of those around before they start labeling you a hoarder, I’d think.
Jelly fish.
Piranha
Earwigs
Electric Eels
Tapeworms
Badgers
Hyenas
Maggots
The cast of Jersey Shore
Minotaurs
*This is not to say I am above watching other people suffer. If you are on tv and you get convincingly kicked in the nuts, or I know you IRL and I see you say, get blasted in the face with a water balloon, chances are I’ll enjoy it.
Good Luck with this one, folks.
Homemaker Man
HM, my daughter played at her BFF's next door neighbor's house this weekend. They have a chicken coop...IN THEIR LIVING ROOM!!! My daughter came home all, "Mom can I have a little baby chick, the black one is really super cute?" Proof that I am a terrible mother, but, that I have retained a semblance of my sanity, I snapped, "Hell NO!!! Are you crazy?"
ReplyDeleteA friggin' chicken coop inside a house? Not even under my circus tent. I was also a tad afraid that the chick might have already been in my home...my kids are sneaky like that.
So, um, please add chickens to the list of things you should not hoard. Bunnies and hamsters should be on there too. They multiply much too quickly.
I saw hoarders last night, too! Now I'm looking around my house thinking, I'm not there yet!
ReplyDeleteIt's like a train wreck...you just can't look away! I'm the opposite of a hoarder, throwing things out and then wishing, two days later, I had it back. Wouldn't make for a very interesting show, though.
ReplyDeleteI was about to add stinkbugs to the list, but you beat me to it - and with a link! I'm honored.
ReplyDeleteI hoard vibrators. It's fun, and no, I don't need no fuckin help.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure that show wouldn't make me want to clean/throw away stuff. I sit and eat pizza while I'm watching the Biggest Loser. So, I think I'm immune to TVs evil suggestive gaze.
ReplyDeleteBAHAHAHAHAHA!
ReplyDelete"The cast of jersey shore" lmao. I about peed my pants!!!!
Hoarders makes me clean like crazy.. I think I hsould start every day with hoarders.. or before I go to the mall!
I was so on my way to adding children to the list, and then you ended with toddlers. Pretty sure I'm considered a hoarder by that measure.
ReplyDeleteMy family & I should watch & most importantly LEARN from 'hoarders'! We are border line in it~whahhh!
ReplyDeleteYou forgot:
ReplyDeleteAligators and my ex's entire family
Rabbits. Eventually, they'll help you with the hoarding.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to try and watch Hoarders on the net (damn hulu, doesn't work out of the US) I need some spring cleaning inspiration.
Funny, funny stuff. Glad I found you. Or, I guess you found me. Whatevs.
ReplyDeleteOkay we watch this also and I have yet to actually CLEAN anything because of it, but I do feel more comfortable with where I'm at... I mean, at least I'm not THAT bad!!!
ReplyDeleteThe link you provided leads to a suspended account. What happened originally?
ReplyDelete