First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

My Son, Lady Killer. Creepy, creepy, lady killer

We have this Dora doll.  It's almost 3 ft tall.  The Pumpkin Man is in love with it.

It was cute at first.  He'd carry it around everywhere.  He'd sing, "Dora, Dora, Dora!"  When he dropped her, he'd bellow, "Oh No!"  All quite adorable.

Until the make-out sessions began.

Instead of talking and singing to her, he sinks to the floor, hands buried in her polyester filled head, and kisses her.  Passionately.  Noisily.  Right on the mouth

*Smack.*  *Smack*  *Smack*  *Smack*  "Oh Dorah!"  He breathily exclaims.

He won't let his big sister near her.

That has me imagining this:

Cut to 20 years in the future:

Knock at the door.  I open it.  It's my son with a woman of what appears to be latin descent.

The P-Man:  "Mom, Dad . . . I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Dora."

Dora:  Hi, it's so nice to finally meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Homemaker.

We exchange pleasantries.  Move to sit in the living room.

Pman:  I'll go get us some drinks.  (exits)

Dora: (Whispering)  My real name is Louise!

Us:  What?

Pman:  (from kitchen)  Dora honey, what are you saying out there?

Dora: (To Pman) Uh, Backpack, Backpack! ( to us) Help me!

End scene.

In case you're curious how a man who held the record for detentions in his 5th grade is handling his daughter's first foray into the culture of school, you can find out today over at DadCentric.

Have good days you guys,

HM

12 comments:

  1. I'm enjoying your Labels for this post... much better than your crappy, crappy post. I joke, I joke...
    Actually, that is rather creepy. But at least it's human, so that's something. Is that something?

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  2. Better he practices on the doll than the girl next door right.

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  3. I haven't laughed out loud in a long time, thanks for that!
    Oh, sorry your son is turning out to be a sociopath.

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  4. What will be worse is if he's still in love with an inflatable rubber doll at age 20.. . A life-like one with orifices....eek!

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  5. If Dora's a slut, Pnut Man is a lady killer, what the hell does that make you????????

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  6. And people wonder why I'm nervous about having kids.

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  7. Look man, relax. I'm sure Louise will be a reputable and mostly disease-free practitioner of the oldest profession.

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  8. Would it kill Louise to at least speak with an accent for him?
    Selfish.

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  9. Better that he gets that curiosity out on a plastic doll than on a person. I certainly didn't practice on dolls when I was a little kid.... =/

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  10. If he starts muttering things about Blueberry Mountain and maybe burying Dora there, if monkeys start looking him sideways, dude, you've got trouble on your hands.

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  11. At least it's a Dora doll, and not one of her counterpart. Just sayin.

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  12. You are just too funny! Sometimes a little disturbing but still funny!

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