Ok, here finally, is my submission for round 5 of the knuckleheadhumor.com Blogger idol Contest I'm not competing in. It's a piece writeen in the style of the great Dr. Seuss. I'm pretty sure the Ghost of Dr. Seuss himself was trying to keep me from completing this. I inadvertently deleted it. Twice. The second time when everything was done and I was just screwing with the font.
My sincerest and deepest apologies to anyone who has ever enjoyed a Dr. Seuss book, as well as to the good Dr. himself.
This. Well, it's something. On that note: Enjoy, Everybody!
Inspired by Horton Hear's a Who
Hedron was bathing, a-splashing and scrubbing
touching things that one touches when one is tubbing
Enjoying bath joys, both simple and clean
When he heard on the street a cacophonous scene
He jumped from the tub, he popped all his bubbles
he slid to the window to peek at the troubles
In front of his house, number one-seven-oh
Was a long-legg-ed, wig-wearing, tatted up Ho
A Ho? In this neighborhood? Well what do you know?
The Ho wasn't working, at least not very well
She was standing her stand, and yelling this yell:
"What happened, where am I," The angry ho said
"I'm supposed to be tied up in John Edwards' bed."
Hedron called from his post upon high, second floor
"Stay put ma'am. Don't move. I'll help you. What's more,
I'll make sure you get there for panky and hanky
For a person's a person, no matter how skanky."
Hedron threw on some clothes and fell down the stairs
(After combing his teeth and tooth-brushing his hairs)
He put socks on his hands and wore one purple shoe
Burst through his front door and coughed, "How do you do?"
"I'm lost and I'm late," said the cranky old slut
And this g string is lodged 2/3 up my butt.
I'm late for my date with a disgraced democrat"
and nobody likes anything about that.
"I can help find your uh, meeting," said Hedron with tact.
Tact was not lacked by Hedron, in fact.
"I know all the short cuts, both longish and quick
Why in ten minutes time you'll be sucking his dick!"
"You'd do that for me?" the Ho said, astonished
"Well of course" and "who wouldn't?"" Hedron admonished
There is no need for worry and no need to thank me
A Person's a Person, no matter how skanky
He grabbed the whore's hand and took off at a run
Down his street to the first house, house number one
through yards, over fences past garages and sheds
through people's living rooms, under their beds.
Until they arrived at the Ramada Express
Quick checkout, discretion and the porn was the best
The Ho fixed her tube top and re-shifted her hair
And found they were there with 3 minutes to spare.
The Ho stared and then spoke, "My gratitude's great."
She gave him a coupon, It read, "Good For One Date."
Then the Ho grinned, like a great whore-asaurus
and the sun caught the ring pierced through her cli'-toris.
Hedron considered her generous offer
What to do, what to do? "Not bang" or "Yes boff'er."
Choosing is hard when there's more than one choice
I guess it makes sense to . . . Hey, what's That Voice?
It wasn't one voice that Horton was hearing
But many loud voices, each screaming and cheering
And these voices all lived, it seemed, if you please
below the Ho's waist and above the Ho's knees
There were Creepies and Crabs and Sifils named Phylis
Crawlies and Itchies and a tiny Bruce Willis
"Join us!" They cried, "There's plenty of room
Here in the womb called The Temple of Doom
"Know what? forget it. You'll be late for your gig,"
Hedron said as he reached out and patted her wig
"I said it before and I said it pointblank-y
A Person's A Person. No matter how skanky."
(And I think he chose wisely, if we're speaking frankly)