First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Holy Christ, what is that? Oh, it's just my ass.

I am feeling fat. Fat fat fatty fat fat. But I carry it well. In a wheelbarrow attached to my ass. I'm sure I wouldn't look this fat if I just you know, wore some black clothes and stopped shoveling pie into my hole like I'm sick and the antidote is in it.

I try to exercise. I walk every day and for a while I did Wii Fit.

The Wii Fit is a snide, judgmental, prick.

First off, you have to make a little character (a Mii. The Japanese know cute.) and I know I'm chubby, so I made him with a little chubby belly. I've got integrity.

The first thing you do with the Wii fit is weigh yourself and get a bmi and a weight. You also immediatley get shit on.

I weighed myself and the God damn thing said, " You're obese!" and then it made a sound like an elephant taking a dump, and then it expanded my little Mii to three time it's size in a way so that the new fat was animated to jiggle. Awesome.

So I do the yoga and the aerobics, and the computer trainers say shit like, "Phew, good work out (condescending bastard. I got a below average score. Don't patronize me.) Looks like you need to work on your flexibility."

Translation: "Have you ever touched your toes? Have you ever even seen your toes? How about your dick? "

Passive aggressive electronic pee-hole.

Then I go on vacation, and so I can't use the thing for a few days and when I come home and turn it on I get this smug dancing television going:

"Hey Tank (my Mii's nick name) where have you been? It's been awhile since you last worked out. You know, training every day is the best way to a healthy body."

Translation: "Where have you been, tubs? You fall into a bag of Doritos? Why don't you eat your way out and then try doing some exercise there, cankles?. You know daily training is the only way you're going to avoid having your heart explode because you push it too hard reaching for that last Suzy-Q."

It's all in the infernal thing's tone. it really is. Any other Wii Fit user will back me up.

So I quit doing it. Fuck me, Wii Fit? No sir, fuck you!

I'm going to try again though. Seriously. Stop smirking, you negative sons-of bitches.

I need an ice cream.


Large and in charge,


The Homemaker Man

5 comments:

  1. Oh, baby. You are the picture of manliness, handsome and strong. I love you. Screw the Wii, what does that bitch know? She wouldn't know sexy if it bit her in the gigabyte. Meet me upstairs...

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is exactly why I never got a Wii. Not to mention my regular Wii Mii looks like I have a dick for a nose.

    Fuck that shit.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Fuck that shit to the 10th power. 'Course, better a dicknose than a nosedick

    ReplyDelete
  4. She have her ears pierced yet? THAT'S a fun trip. I took my little girl when she was six, told her that it would just sting a little.

    She's 14 now and still hasn't forgiven me.

    But she loves earrings.

    ReplyDelete

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