First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I Can't Even Leave to Go

Never since I myself was a child can I remember there being as many instances in my life of really needing to pee and feeling like I was never going to get a chance to go. I think that statement right there sums up having two young kids to raise. I mean Christ. There are times when I really need to go. I mean aching kidneys, molten lead weighted bladder, piss in a bottle, knock on the door of a strange house have to go. But you know what? Fuck me. Yup. It's part of my job.

"Daddy, help me, Daddy, owwee on my hand, daddy, I've got poopoos in my diaper". I should be so lucky.

Or me pleading painfully: "Peanut, get off the table now please. Please get off the table right now. Daddy's going to pee pee in his pants if you don't GET DOWN RIGHT NOW! Pleeease darlin'.

(beat) "Daddy go pee pee in the potty."

Yeah, no shit kid? Thanks for the tip. That is really what I'd prefer now that you mention it. Hey, why don't you try taking your own advice sometime there Dr. Phil? Howsa bout it?

And the Pumpkin man does the same thing just pre-verbally. Kid has watched me piss from his seat on my arm many, many times. I hope he's learning something. The worst thing is, there you are doing what was probably the first dance step in the history of man, your kid needs something immediately, which is the timing of all kid needs, and suddenly you realize you've forgotten you had to go. Then the need is back on you so suddenly you figure maybe you should just go out in a blaze of exploding bladder blood and urine glory right there. That'd give the kids something to mull over later in life.

And can I ask the reader: please don't categorize this as scatological or bathroom humor. If you have to label it something I'd say not-going-to-the bathroom humor is a tad more accurate.
But you do it because it's sort of hard wired. Meet the kids' needs first because they're your kids. Love'em too much to do things any other way. Can't wait til they're older though. I may find a way to make a 20 year old piss their pants. Alcohol not included.


  1. Uh, welcome to the world of teaching!!!!

    Imagine being in charge of 15-20+ kids all depending on YOU--and all YOU are depending on is someone to walk down the hall and relieve you (no pun intended)

    Not saying you don't got it bad--just saying I can relate!!

  2. Right? At least you get period breaks.

  3. True, but they never seem to coincide with when nature calls.


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