First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I Take On a Retail Giant.

You ever been on the wrong end of retail arrogance?

We're at Target yesterday. We made a return. I know. That's not even the exciting part. We got store credit. Still, not the exciting part.

Kid takes my id, scans it, prints out a receipt, hands me my id, which I carefully replace, hands me a receipt, says it's a gift card return, then wanders away. I ask if I'm done, he says yes.

We make our way through the store, grab the shit we came for-- gardening gloves and a graphic T that reads "No Problemo!"-- plus a couple extra things (potato ricer, chicken scented candle) and go to pay. I hand the cashier the return receipt, and he says I need a gift card. I tell him that this was what I was given. He can't take it.

We pay for our things and go back to the return counter. I give a young woman the receipt. She stops what I assume to be a manager on his way in to the back room. I can only assume he was the manager because he was not wearing any identifiable Target clothing ( with the exception of a t-shirt that read "No Problemo!")

He disappears. Comes back out after about 8 minutes and mumbles, without even really stopping to look at me "I've reviewed the tapes, and you received the gift card." Turns and walks back toward the back room without pausing. I'm standing there with the Pman on my shoulders, we've all waited in line, and this guy--this . . . accusatory guy-- can't even be polite? Never mind the fact that I didn't receive a gift card.  Fuck that.

I step out and project, "What? I did not receive a gift card."

He turns wearily, his whole body a sigh that says "another day, another douche" and repeats the eloquent speech from a minute before.

"That's bullshit." I boom. The other customers are getting a show. Good. I want witnesses.
"I didn't get a gift card. Look at the tapes again."

"Sir," he says sir like it's a synonym for moron, "I reviewed the tapes, I saw you get a card; you can't get another one."

At this point I pull out my wallet and slap it on the counter. "Check my wallet." I snap. " Let me see the tapes!"  I thunder.

He makes no move to pick-up my wallet. I grab it and start for the back room. The P-man still astride my shoulders, which are now straight with righteousness.

"You can't see the tapes sir. Those tapes can be seen by my eyes only. No one else can view them." He says like he's been saving the line for just this kind of moment. Mother Fucker.

"I did not get the gift card." I spit.  My voice going up an octave in to the familiar "I've been wronged" range.

As I say this I lift the wallet up so the crowd can get a good look. I am going to show this asshole and we are going to get our $9.25(It's the principle of the thing, ok?)

Like a magician with a particularly clever card trick, I slide my id from my wallet and the gift card is right fucking behind it.

And the crowd gets a good look.

"Whoops sorry there it is." The words tumble brightly from my mouth like a mentally deficient stream over douche' baggy pebbles. I give the palms up, wide-eyed, my bad shrug that is the international symbol for "let's get the fuck out of here."

He gives me a tight little smile back but I barely see it as we are already making our way toward the exit with the kind of speed only a chagrined dick head can muster.

In my defense, the guy was a bit of an arrogant prick. In his defense, I was a complete asshole. I'd say that makes us even.

Eh, what can I say? I get worked up sometimes.

Lordy.

HM

26 comments:

  1. *C R I N G E*
    Oh I'm feeling for you! I would have been right there with you, fighting for my gift card. But to save future embarrasement, maybe the card can be used at another Target? Or better yet, online.

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  2. Ooh... Good thing I finished reading that post though, I was about to burn the place down in righteous fury! I'm with Sara Louise, use the card elsewhere! Save your shame! Sell it to the homeless or something. They've always got disposable income...

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  3. Dude, I'm biting my tongue so very hard. I've got some low-road things I'd love to hurl your way but I'm going to take the road less traveled.

    Close your eyes and try mightily to think of this as a teachable moment for Pman. The value of humility is something everyone needs to learn. Or maybe I'm confusing humility with humiliation. Either way, I got a laugh and that's really all that matters these days.

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  4. Oh I so so SO wish that had ended differently. Have a little bit of "TV embarrassment" here reading this. Hope there's another Target you can go to for awhile... sort of like I had to for awhile after my then 6 yr old son threw the kind of tantrum that involved kicking me and screaming that I was a mean Mom and he hated me and I knew all people watching had their fingers on 911 in case I went batshit crazy (the others however were probably wondering why I wasn't kicking the crap out of him back... oh wait I wasn't in WalMart).

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  5. Ouch, indeed.

    And how brave of you to post this! :)

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  6. Oh, how embarrassing for you! and as Linda says, you are brave to post it!

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  7. Dude. I feel for you, I really do.

    Apropo of nothing, here's something that really happened to me today:

    Every year, we send out parent surveys to get their input on various things. One parent checked the "disagree" box by the statement "Surveys are sent to parents to get their input."

    On the survey.

    Sent out.

    To get their input.

    Sigh.

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  8. Hahaha! You'll have to invest in one of those disguising glasses (with the nose and mustache attached) for the next few times you go in there!!! Or just avoid it all together for a year or two! :)

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  9. Argh. I cannot count how many times I've hulked out about something to a retailer, only to discover that they were right, and I was wrong.

    And of course, even better when my kid gets to watch me humbled. Goddammit. I feel for ya, dude.

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  10. I think you were in the right there. I can totally see that happening. And he was a dick

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  11. Thanks for the kind comments. However, I will tell you all this: While at the time there was a certain creeping feeling of OHlordIamadouchebag, I have shaken it off. I will be back in there next week to complain about the lack of dickfores and how I was overcharged for the diapers I never even bought. I will not hide from this. Nay, I will embrace it. I will be: The Local Target Asswipe.

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  12. OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH...you should have then said that you wanted to return everything that you just bought and had them give you yet another gift card!

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  13. lol- oh man. that's when you fucking WISH the ground would open up and swallow you whole.

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  14. As I was reading this, I was all "Awww, HELLS no!" when the manager was giving you the treatment. HELLS NO! But then it ended with a solid "Heh heh..oh, no!" when the gift card appeared. They TOTALLY talked about you in the back. Oh, yes, yes they did.

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  15. Sup Pink,
    I've been on Reddit too much. I was expecting a big ownage on your part. Thanks for posting. It's hard to admit when we're in the wrong. You're my hero and have my admiration.
    Now I'll go.
    I'm Jason, and I'm a chocohotlic. ("Hiiiii, Jason.....", the rest of the group responds)

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

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  16. You know that he showed the video that is "for his eyes only" of you doing that to all the employees right? :)

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  17. You know that he showed that video that is "for his eyes only" of you doing that to all the employees right? :)

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  18. I think we're all missing the real lesson here. Apparently there are chicken scented candles.

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  19. I don't care how "right" they were or if you were in the wrong...where in the world has customer service disappeared to these days?!

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  20. Hahahahha, that's really funny. If, of course, you weren't the one making the grand show. Sorry man.

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  21. Wow, this post has been up for a long time. 11 days? Really? It WAS a good story, but the bloom is off the rose. Put down that flipping Franzen book and write something new, damn it!

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  22. PRICELESS! (Which Franzen book are you reading?)

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  23. You're now on Target's bulls-eye list. Next time you're there...be prepared to duck.

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