First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Running is stupid

I've been running. Not fast. And not too far. And not well. Often by the end there is drool and always by the end there are gross torrents of sweat and legs filled with wet sand and owies, and a breathing sound like an asthmatic pig. But I'm doing it. About half an hour 5 times a week. I'm up to approximately 3 and 1/3 miles. 

I should preface this by saying that I hate running.  Really, it sucks and it's stupid and hurts my muscles and sometimes I get unpleasant chafing and I rarely did it before now, and also douche bags often do it. But now I do it.

I started out doing it because I had lost some weight, I was feeling good, and I had to get the goddamn dog some exercise. The goddamn dog needs a lot of exercise. The goddamn dog is athletic like Jim Thorpe or Bruce Jenner or Serena Williams or Wolverine.

The best part about running with the goddamn dog is that when I'm running my hardest, when I'm in that last lap and I'm pushing myself near to the point of puking, I can look down at that goddamn dog and see that she's laughing at me. Laughing her dumb ass off. Gallivanting along, panting just to be charitable, big moron doggy smile on her big moron doggy face.

And the more we exercise, the more stamina she gets. The more exercise she needs. I should probably just tie her to the back of the car and go.

But still, I'm proud of myself. For a 38 year old paunchy dude with bad achilles tendons who hates running, 3 1/3 miles (and counting) ain't half bad.

Of course, my eating habits have suffered somewhat. After you've run a few miles, it becomes mighty easy to rationalize that snack of chocolate covered butter pats washed down with a cold cheese smoothie. Mmmm mmm!

Other things . . .
The peanut has started ballet, the next session of swimming lessons (she's an eel now. I think the next level is level The Incredible Mr. Limpet.) and school.  We're hoping to over schedule her young so that she can get her nervous breakdown out of the way before middle school.


P.S. Troy Davis's execution is on my brain. Just needed to mention it.


  1. What the hell is a cold cheese smoothie, because I may be in L. O. V. E.

    Also Running is the Devils work you know. When I run I can totally taste blood filling my lungs instead of air.

    Then I feel like I am going to birth Alien. But when I'm done...OH YEAH!

    Great Job Sir! Ditto on your P. S.

  2. Running is stupid, but I guess someone has to do it. Thank goodness that someone isn't me.

  3. Most runners I see look like you say you feel. Does that make it any better? No, I didn't think it would. But good for you!

    Back when we had our giant husky dog to walk, occasionally I would break into a jog just to let her stretch her legs all the way out. She cruised down the road, pulling me along at a speed I never could have attained by myself. Landing was the only problem.

    And, another ditto on the P.S.

  4. Mmm ... chocolate covered butter pats.

    And yeah, periodicly I run and think the exact same thing -- this is the stupidest thing in the world.

  5. I admire you for running, even though you hate it. I need to exercise.
    I can't believe they executed him.

  6. Thank gawd you're ensuring Peanut's early breakdown. That'll save you a whole lot of grief when she's a teenager.

    I'm as proud as peacock that you're running! If you sign up for a 5K, you've got to let me know. I'll be there in a heartbeat to snap before and after photos of your paper plate face and your what-now-must-be stunning physique.

    I'm with you on the P.S.

  7. Yeah, I don't get running. If someone much larger than me is giving chase, than yes. For "fun?" I can think of much better, less strenuous/painful things to do. My wife runs, and every once in a while I forget how bad it sucks and agree to join her. And then I realize it's not the running part that sucks so hard, it's the running back. Pack a bus pass in that running belt, I humbly suggest.

  8. What a coincidence, I can run 3 1/3 feet!
    I think about taking up running but when that happens, I just sit down until the thought passes.

  9. Is there someone chasing you with a machete? Perhaps a chain saw? No? Then why are you running? Seriously?

    Oh, alright. Good for you for running! That's awesome! No one I see doing it seems like they're happy while they're out there, but I respect them nonetheless. I mostly do that while I'm driving past them in my sweet climate controlled vehicle.


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