First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Judge, Jury, Homemaker

I’ve become the bad guy.  Bad cop.  The Muscle.  The Fist.  The disciplinarian. He Who Must Not Be Named.   You’re my kid and you screw up, you’ll see me Walking Tall, I’ll arrive with a Sudden Impact, and I’ll lay down the law like I’m Legally Blond.  I’m hard is what I’m saying.  It’s a complete surprise to me.

This is how I found out:  I went inside to do . . .something--probably I was either in the bathroom or “finding” something--while my wife and daughter were filling up the new kiddie pool.  Sweet pool, by the way.  Big, flexible, sturdy plastic, and it came with a slide that also functions as a non-pool slide.  Perfect place to sip your Cristal. 

In the midst of the pool filling party, there was an incident that led to whining.  My wife told my daughter that if she was going to be whiny, there’d be no going in the pool.  When she started again, my wife said, "Uh-oh, daddy’s coming soon, if he hears you, you’re not going to be able to go in the pool."

She replied, “Don’t worry, he won’t come out, he’s cookin’ dinner.”

What? 

My flabbergasted ears heard:

“Morning noon and night, daddy is either cooking dinner or breaking balls and don’t worry because right now, he’s doing the former.” 

I was both aghast (because I’m a middle aged women from the 1800’s) and resigned.  Somewhere inside, I knew.  Maybe it’s because I’m the parent at home, so I have to make the rules.  Or maybe it’s because every time my rules are questioned I scream, “I Am The Law!” and stomp out of the room.

In my youth, I was a good time.  Easy going, go along to get along ol’ Bachelor Man.  Often altered by one substance or another.  An always pleasant, regularly buzzed person.  And now, I’m the Strongman.  The Boss.  Super Fuzz.  Keyser Soze.  The hammered has become The Hammer. 

When my wife first got pregnant, every one said to her, “oh, you know you’re gonna have to be the disciplinarian.  He’s sweet, but you know, useless.  In the nicest way.”

Such was my reputation. 

Parenting can change a person.

My wife is tickled.  She's a high school teacher, so she spends most of her day cracking skulls and calling parents.  It's good for her to come home and be the nice one.

Me, I'll continue to do the job.  Take out the trash.  With extreme prejudice.

And you, right there.  You, with the cookies.  No eating at the computer.  No, now . . . crying will not help you.


Yours,

Drill Sergeant Homemaker Man

14 comments:

  1. Somehow I have trouble picturing the Drill Sargeant.....but I'll take your word for it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Watch out - the power goes to your head. Next thing you know, you're eating dinner out with friends and barking at them that there's no dessert until they finish what's on their plates.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good job Homemaker Man. Keep those little assholes in line!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well, it's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. Sounds like you're just the man for it! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. It takes a tough man to raise tender children. Right? Oh, never mind.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yo are so B.A!!! You really are something FIERCE!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow. Dude, your experience and mine are frighteningly similar. Before our daughter was born, everyone assumed I'd be the fun but useless parent. Eight years later, I'm our household's official Chuck Norris. Bringin' the pain.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Go, dude. Every family needs one.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I wasn't feeling lucky.

    But...."I gots to know."

    (From Dirty Harry? I believe)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ha! You're such a softie! (I have zero evidence to back that statement up. I just felt it was the right thing to say.)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Shit! I don't know whether to buy you an apron or a holster for your birthday.

    But judging from the sidebar description of your all inclusive family, I would say you are as tender as you are tough.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I can relate; in my house my husband is like Julie Andrews, all raindrops and roses, and I'm Steven Seagal. Of course we don't have a child yet, but we've been honing our good cop/ bad cop routine on the dog.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You are beyond funny. Your plastic pool isn't called an "Aqua Leisure" by chance, is it? My husband and I purchased one of those plastic pools and it was called an "Aqua Leisure." I love it.

    "Hey, guys, let's go get in the Aqua Leisure!"

    ReplyDelete
  14. LMAO!! Looks like I'm not the only hammer in town!

    ReplyDelete

Blog Rankings

Humor Blogs - Blog Rankings