I was at home yesterday. And we were getting ready to go out to the children's museum-my favorite part is the mummified children from around the world- and I was excited. So. I started kicking balls all over the playroom. And yelling. Because I'm "fun dad." Balls of different colors, but all of them filled with air, and large enough and soft enough to not do any real damage to anything they might strike (i.e. a toddler in the keppe, which is pretty funny); or so I thought.
I really got some good leg (World Cup terminology meaning "I kicked it") into this one large red ball. It rocketed in to the air. I was impressed with the undiminished power of my middle-aged quadriceps. Until, it smashed into the Fat Puerto Rican Ladies. There were Fat Puerto Rican Lady shards everywhere.
The Puerto Rican Ladies are--were, goddammit--a lovely piece of folk art given to my wife many years ago. It was (was! Arrrghh,) a wind chime made up of little, colorfully attired fat brown ladies, purchased in Puerto Rico. They were adorable. They used to hang from a hook between the tops of two adjacent playroom windows. We've had them for a very long time. They've survived multiple moves, hyper dogs, crazy parties, and two toddlers.
But they couldn't survive me. Like I said, I was excited. Which in my world means running into the playroom and bellowing "Hey guys! Fun dad is here! Let's trash some of Mommy's shit!"
And the kids, they never say no, the bastards. Totally culpable. Someone needs to be the voice of reason here.
Anyway, it was a massacre. Fat Puerto Rican Lady pieces everywhere. There was even one large chunk of Fat Puerto Rican Lady lightly embedded into the soft wood of the window pane (I haven't told my wife about that yet. I don't think she would've found it entertaining at that time.). I dug her out and disposed of her. And the rest of her happy, lovely, beloved, Fat Puerto Rican Lady friends.
I will probably never forgive myself for this one. At least not until I break something else important.
To my wife, I'm sorry I broke the Puerto Rican ladies. I loved them too. I hope you can forgive me and in forgiving me I hope you can find it in your heart to hold the children at least a little bit responsible.
Remorsefully,
Homemaker Man
P.S. Don't forget to vote today!
Oh no. That's so sad.
ReplyDeleteI just went to look at our Fat Puerto Rican Ladies wind chimes. They each have fat little tears coursing down their clay cheeks. They are mourning their sisters.
ReplyDeleteSee, we have them too, but we hung ours OUTSIDE because we can't risk them inside, what with all the World Cup soccer being played in my living room.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Mom always said, "Don't play ball in the house."
ReplyDeleteNext thing, you'll break Marsha's nose.
Oh, that's a pity. You are in the doghouse for a while.
ReplyDelete:) ha ha.. the title of your post cracked me up.. then the post itself kept me rollin'! :) Poor Puerto Rican' Fat ladies!!! May they RIP!
ReplyDeleteRIP fat ladies.
ReplyDeleteI'll pour a little ETOH out in your honor, sort of like I do for all of my dead rapping homies.
It's really the kids' fault. Which means it's really her fault.
ReplyDeleteWhen you think about it, she should apologize to you.
That's funny. But hey, when it's your time... it's your time. And it sounds like it was their time.
ReplyDelete@TwoBusy - I have seen that trick work with women blaming men. But I have NEVER seen it work the other way around.
Do you hire out? I've got some of those...hell, I don't even know what they're called...those figurines with the rusty angel wings? Carved from wood. Supposedly they're angelic? Yeah, knick knacks. I am not a knick knack fan and I'd not weep if they took a, well, object to the face.
ReplyDeleteRemember -- it's your words against theirs. Theirs being both the kids, and the shattered Puerto Rican remains. Plead ignorance. Assign blame. It's the Dad Way.
ReplyDeleteIf that were me I would have tried to hide it and hope my wife didn't notice it missing until I had forgot that I had actually broken it, then I could honestly say 'I don't know what happened to it.'
ReplyDeleteIt's kind of like lipo for the Fat Peurto Rican Ladies don't you think?
ReplyDeleteOr you are a serial killer of Fat Peurto Rican Ladies...
AHHHHH Dexter beware!
I could give you Fifty for a week and you two could go on a killing spree together... Natural Born Killers are what you are.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sorry, I tagged you with something on my blog, I just really want to read your funny answers...
You should have blamed the kids, you fool.
ReplyDeleteLOL there goes the disciplinarian!
ReplyDelete