First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Friday, August 6, 2010

Some might call it silly, I call it totally kick-ass brave.




I’m cleaning the bathroom.  The shower curtain is in the laundry.


“Listen," my wife says, "when you put the curtain back, you keep putting the toy basket on the outside of the curtain.  It was to go on the inside.”

“Why?”  I ask.

“Because then you get in the shower and you see the bath toys and you pick up the toys and then you put them in the basket.”   My wife is standing in the open tub and she’s performing an elaborate pantomime of these actions as she’s describing them.”

I admit I needed the demonstration. 

I lost her at “pick up the toys.”  Just zoned right out.  I get in the shower and see the bath toys and I leave them in the tub.  I like them.  They make shower time more festive.  And more dangerous.  Most household accidents happen in the bathroom, and I’m a thrill junky.  I’m the Evel Knievel of mundane household daredevilry.  The other night I jumped over 4 remotes and a phone.   Sometimes, I sit 3 inches from the tv.  I once jumped my bike through a ring of still warm bundt cake.  Last shower, I shampooed with one eye open.  I used baby shampoo, but still, it’s uncomfortable to get all that water in your eye.   I went to bed without flossing.  Once.  That shit drove me crazy. *

I finally answer my wife.  “Ohh,” I say noncommittally.

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Can charity be annoying?  Absolutely.  Especially so in the hands of a master.  I am that master.  First, go vote here again:



That’s not too bad.  You should be conditioned to do it by now.

Second, now go and vote here (Kohl's Cares For Kids) for Carmel Elementary School in Hesperia, CA. to be awarded 10 million bucks so they can buy school supplies.  Like those fancy paper word-holder thingy’s that they use to make with the readifyin’ and the writificatin’.  And probably the mathimecation too.   I'm not supposed to reveal who asked me to post this.  Here's a hint:  Starts with K, ends with nuckleadhumor.com.  I haven't voted, but you're better than that.  Annoyed yet? 

Good.  If you’re not it means you don’t really care.  At least, that’s how they ran things in my family.


*In the interest of full disclosure, I have indeed attempted all of these feats of derring-do.  Or at least I will soon.  I’m all about blogging and household daredevilling integrity.  Take that to the bank and cash it and use it to buy groceries with a little left over to treat yourself to a passion fruit mojito because hey, you deserve it.

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Finally, "Hey Prop 8, what's on your chin?  Deeez Nuuuts!"

And please Prop 8, fuck you and the horse you rode in on and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.


Good afternoon,

Homemaker Man

11 comments:

  1. I voted in both cases! I'm so impressed that you are cleaning the bathroom; would you consideer cleaning mine?

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  2. Can't believe you shampoo with one eye open. Whaddya got, a DEATH WISH??

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  3. Hey, thanks for supporting the school!

    "The Evel Knievel of mundane household daredevilry." Brilliant.

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  4. Wow - all these years I thought I was a lousy housekeeper, when really I was an exciting risk-taker. Who knew?

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  5. How the level of danger and daring evolve. From the silly dangerous things we did in our youth to the every present danger of tripping hazards we face in fatherhood.

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  6. Hilarious post! Especially the Deez Nutz on Prop 8. I always like a good Deez Nutz joke.

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  7. I hate it when people tell me what to do.

    By the way, I want to ask you one question.

    If I had some nuts, hanging on the wall,
    what would I have honey? I said, "Darlin, you'd have some walnuts!" She
    said, "Well, Daddy, if I had some nuts on my chest would those be chestnuts?"
    I said "Hell yeah." She said, "Well, Daddy, if I had some nuts on my chin
    would those be chin nuts?" I said "Hell no bitch, you'd have a dick in your
    mouth! mouth! mouth!"

    No worries. Only the hard core thugs will get it.

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  8. You need to work yourself up to the world record. 7 remotes. I stuck the landing but then lost balance and broke several bones as I skidded out of control. My chute didn't deploy.

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  9. I'm going to start keeping toys in the shower

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