This is the final piece for the Blogger idol competition over at knuckleheadhumor.com . The one in which I am not a contestant. I gotta hand it to those who did it for real. Perhaps I lack motivation because I don't have throngs of typing fans click-clacking out their votes for me weekly, but I am pooped. It's almost like NabloPoMo around here. Ok Here's the last entry. Author's choice. After this, it's back to posting adorably cute and funny things my toddler says for a bit. Thanks for reading.
I uses to work at a place, taking phone calls. I won't give the name of the place, because it's a rather large company, and those places can get pretty crabby when you talk shit about them. I'll give the first and last letters and if you figure it out, so be it. Begins with F. Ends with idelity Investments. But that's all I'm saying.
I took phone calls from people who owned stocks and/or mutual funds. They would call and ask how their money was doing. A lot of times it was people who were bullshitting. They'd call and fire off about 10 different stock symbols, and then sometimes ask to talk to a broker, and that would allow them to brag to their friends about how they were "playing the market." 11 shares of AT&T? Ah-ight, playa.
Sometimes people were normal. Sometimes weird. One time this:
Early on in the job, I got this call. This guy with a thick, nasal twang. Sort of like what it would sound like if a banjo could talk. He was one of those people who always use too much air when the say w words. He also had a pretty good sized account.
I won't give his name. Really. We'll call him Alabama. I answered the phone, "thank you for calling Fidegkhfjn Invesdivmfjnvu, this is Homemaker speaking, how can I help you?"
"Homemaker," he drawled. " Homemaker, whhy is the market doin' what it's doin'? "
"Well sir, have you looked at the Wall St. Jo-"
"First, it goes up. Then, it goes daown. Whhyy Homemaker, Whhyy?"
"Well I could look at-"
"Homemaker, D'you know what I think? I think maybe it's the Mexicans."
I didn't know how to handle that. I hung up.
One of the interesting things was that though it was a call center for a large company, we often got repeat calls.
I got Al again. I saw his name on the computer screen. This time, I was ready. I patched him through but waited for him to go first.
I answered, in my best possible accent. Mexican accent. "Heeey ese'. Joo know what ees happening with yor stocks? S'not so goood. You migh' want to conseeder coincident eeconomic indeecators and go weeeth a capeetal prehservation strahyedy (strategy). Joo feel me, vato? Oops. Never mind. I just put everything you had eento chimichangas. Sorry, homes.
This time, he hung up.
Did I ever tell you about the time I was fired from my job answering phones?