First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Spectacular Spectacular

We took the kids to the Radio City Music Hall Spectacular starring the World famous Rockettes. I wasn't sure about it at first. That's a lot of sparkly, conformist feminine sexuality. Felt like it might be inappropriate for the kids with the unnecessary revealing holiday themed outfits.  "Kids look! Christmas Tits!"

But it was really much tamer than that. There was a lot of sparkly, conformist, femininity about, but the Peanut didn't seem that interested.

The show was pretty enjoyable. It was sort of like MGM musical porn. Like an old fashioned MGM movie musical, but with all the bothersome plot and talking mostly removed.  The dancing was very good and the Rockettes were so in sync I asked my wife if she thought they used an electric cattle prod on'em during rehearsal. She replied, "they probably make them digest their food." Love my wife.

The kids' favorite part was a kind of cartoonish snippet of The Nutcracker done with one young ballerina and then a bunch of dancers in cartoon bear costumes. They must have been sweating off whatever genitalia they possessed under those costumes. The Peanut was very taken with the ballet. As some of you night know, we take that stuff pretty seriously around here.

There was this odd scene where everyone in the show dressed up in silver sparkly stuff and walked up and down a lighted glass staircase toward a shimmering computer animated background. We think it was supposed to be like heaven. Which makes sense because everyone knows heaven is a filled with Christmas and white people and sparkles and leggy 1950's sex symbols. 

There was a large number of old people at the show. People who remembered what it was like when the Rockettes counted as serious masturbation material. It kind of creeps me out, now that I think about it.

The big finale was the Nativity scene, with real animals. Two sheep, a donkey, and a camel who managed to communicate gravitas. Not what you get from a camel up close. If you've met one you know they exude disdain and stench. Maybe the stench is heavy with gravitas, but that's about it.

There were real animals and a disembodied voice reading bible passages and a manger and Inn and all the wise men and everything. These people were serious about it being a Christmas show. No "happy holidays" here. I got pretty swept up in it. Never felt more gentile. Odd, considering that myself and the baby Jesus were most likely the only two Jews in the entire theatre. Not including the agents.

Anyway, bible passages, animals, wise men, manger, Inn, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, a searingly bright projection of the Star of Wonder, and then the big finish.  You can't have a finale at a Rockettes show without showing off those famous moves.  This was my favorite part. The last big number: The dancing virgin Marys. Naked legged, pregnant, virgins dancing in perfect time. Robes coming a couple inches short of their knees so we could all get a glimpse of that oh so immaculate thigh. Kicks high, heels pointed toward the Lord. Merry Christmas Everyone!

That last part didn't happen, but I truly wish--prayed even--it had. Would've been the best show ever.

As it was, it was pretty enjoyable. Especially considering the tickets were free through a friend. I'll never forget those smiling, white-toothed, long legged dancing wonders. Made me want to sing Christmas carols while rushing right out to buy a box of Crest white strips. Psshh. Gentiles


Also, I've got a new piece up over at Insert Eyeroll wherein I reveal the dream every modern father has for his daughter.


  1. I saw the rockettes years ago. They were fantastic! I was having trouble picturing that finale; glad it was just a figment of your imagination!

  2. Took my daughter to the road show last year. She loved it. Meanwhile, it made my retinas burn. Glad you recovered. And now, I'm off to see what you've got cookin' at Eyeroll.

  3. Christmas tits! That's going to my new name, I'm stealing that thank you very much.

  4. You're just jealous that you never have a reason to shout "Kids look! Hanukkah Tits!"

  5. I would go to musicals if you wrote them.

  6. When I was a little girl, my mother's secretary was named Marilyn, she was in her 60's and she had been a Rockette back in the day, like back in the 40s/ 50s. She was fabulous, and because of her, I really really wanted to be a Rockette and spent hours doing the can-can around my house.
    Now you know my secret.

  7. Back in New York's pre-Giuliani period, Times Square was pretty much a red-light district. And, if I'm not mistaken, "Christmas Tits" was the name of a long-running XXX movie starring Candy Caine and Yul Logg.

  8. You had me at Christmas Tits. Started thinking that maybe my husband & I should celebrate something during this season of oh-so-many-holidays. Maybe next year we'll celebrate the solstice by sprinkling organic glitter all over ourselves.

  9. Sounds like a great show. You had me at Christmas tits.


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