First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


In a special episode of MFTBP, a guest post from the estimable Mrs. HomemakerMan. As talented as she is beautiful, my lovely wife shares with us a true story. 

A stupid little cat scratch… sometimes it’s just easier to give them the flippin’ bandage

Players: Peanut (5 years old), Pumpkin Man (3 years old), Ivy Pickles (5 months old), Mommy (40 yrs old)

Conversation 1 – between the kitchen and the dining room

Peanut (in tears): Mommy! I’m bleeding really bad!
Mommy (panicked): What?! What happened?!
Peanut (matter of fact): Ivy scratched me, like really bad…
Mommy (washing a long, shallow scratch):It’s fine. What were you doing to her?
Peanut: (guiltily) Carrying her. (rising toward hysteria) But it isn’t fine! Look at this blood! I need a Band-Aid!
Mommy (rational): It’s too long for a Band-Aid, besides it’s not a big deal. Go play.

Conversation 2 – overheard in the playroom

Peanut (whining): Pumpkin Man, look at what Ivy did to me!
Pumpkin Man (concerned): Does it hurt, Peanut?
Peanut (proud): Yes, and look at the blood.
Pumpkin Man (awed): hmmmm …that is a lot of blood. A real lot!
Peanut (defiant): Yup, and Mommy won’t give me a Band-Aid.
Pumpkin Man (deeply concerned): Why?
Peanut (conspiratorial): She says it’s too big… hurts so much…
Pumpkin Man (amazed): Uh oh, look at that blood! Squeeze it again!
Peanut (authoritarian): Here, try to get the blood on this…

Conversation 3 – In the dining room

Mommy (frustrated): Peanut, come here!
Peanut (fearful): What Mommy? Do you need to see my scratch again? No doctors!
Mommy (acquiescent): No, no doctors. Let’s put a bandage on that scratch, okay?
Peanut (hopeful): Yes, please.
Mommy (resigned): Better?
Peanut (satisfied): Yup, all better.

-- End Scene

Epilogue: I still don’t know why they were trying to collect her blood – could have been drug testing, DNA experimentation, or genetic modification… I just knew that at that point it was easier to give her the flippin’ bandage.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Pickled Kitteh

This is Ivy Pickles


She is an asshole.
She spends much of her time living either in the shoe tree or in our food like some sort of huge, blue-eyed, boll weevil.

She is fiendishly cute and cuddly.
She will steal your heart right before she steals your sandwich.

This is Ivy Pickles.
And she is an asshole.

In other news this:

What stars shine and fade and shine again in the sky; warming upturned faces with the glow of patriotism writ loud upon a black canvas? Why, those would be fireworks. I fucking hate fireworks. 

You can read more over at ever lovin' DadCentric

Happy Independence Day.


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