First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Thursday, December 17, 2009

My kids are photogenic like Asbestos is yummy.

We went to get the kids' christmas pictures done today.  When you have two very young children, getting the christmas pictures done translates to yelling and clapping like a moron and being completely ignored by your children even though you are making like an enthusiastic head trauma victim.  An enthusiastic head trauma victim with just enough power of speech left to say your child's name and one vague place in time and space:

"Peanut.  Over here.  Over HERE Peanut.  Ok, now Pumpkin man you too (clap clap) Pumpkin, yes!  Ok now wait Peanut look over here.  PEANUT!!!"  OVER HERE!!!"

And then when you get done and they are finally both looking you're way for an entire mili-second, you have the balls to chirp, " now smile honey.  Smile.  Like this, honey.  LIKE THIS."  And you show your teeth with what at that point is much less smile and much more desperate, sweaty grimace.  Which is of course the facial expression you get back.  If you're lucky.

And also all the screaming and jumping and histrionics take place about 4 inches from the left ear of the photographer.   Which must be pretty sweet if you're a photographer.  I'm sure you spent all that money on art school so that you could end up at Target getting frustrated dad spittle sprayed in your ear while you take pictures of kids that'd shiv you for a chocolate munchkin'.  Life's about choices.  And being the Target portrait photographer indicates you may have made some unfortunate ones.

On the positive tip, once the Pumpkin man was given a green Christmas ornament to play with, he smiled quite happily whilst dropping it and rolling it and chasing it all over the studio and out of the shot.  I knew getting him to sit still was going to be difficult though.  If we had not had a second child and instead bought ourselves a friendly, hungry, panda baby who hated having it's diaper changed, it'd be pretty close to the same thing.   Adorable but something that would really be better off living in the zoo or released to the wild.

The most convincing smile we got out of the Peanut in the end was a gruesome tableau right out of a zombie romantic comedy.  The kind of lipless, bloodless smile the female lead zombie gives before she tries to gnaw off her beloved's head.

We should've known that too, though.  The Peanut is beautiful, but you have to get candid pictures if you want her smiling.  Otherwise, you get the death stare.  I've seen grown men weep when getting that stare.   We ended up skipping the smile.

In summation, one of the better pictures we got was one where the Peanut is sitting in a little red chair with an expression on her face that reads, "We done yet?" while the Pumpkin sits on the floor beside her attempting to eat his Christmas ornament.

I'm hoping we can photoshop the ornament out and replace it with a piece of cake or a live ferret or a human head.  That would be a rocking Christmas pic.

I knew that christmas pictures with a small children could be difficult, on some level.  I watch tv.  But shit man.  Next time I'm bringing adult stand-ins.   The kids get 3 tries and if they blow it, you're on Armand and Stacy.


Yours,

Homemaker Man

9 comments:

  1. Gary Coleman and that Webster punk are probably available.

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  2. That was hilarious. Life's about choices, dude.

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  3. They adopt out Pandas? seriously?

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  4. I'm still trying to picture ferret head here!
    happy Friday~

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  5. I've often thought my children would be better off released into the wild.

    Holiday pictures...hmmm. I've been meaning to take some this year but I haven't built up enough nerve. By the time I get them dressed up and wipe the snot and cookie crumbs off their faces, set them by the tree and beg them to smile, I'm usually the one crying.

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  6. HAHAHAHA!

    I could actually picture this happening. You have yet to dissapoint with your funny and well written posts!

    :) I'm sure the photos turned out cuter then you think. Last time I hired a photographer to take Aidyns two year old portraits at the park, I was the one that ended up crying. Enough said.

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  7. A.H.A.U.-And then the part of me could be played by Alex Karas.

    Monica-Dude.


    bernthis-Nah. there is a whole illicit smuggling ring thing and stuff. big pain.

    LENORE-I too am now picturing Ferret head

    TGWTFIHH-Maybe we can start some sort of nature preserve? Leave the snot. Makes their faces look shiny.

    Btittany-We did get a couple of decent ones. I hope.

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  8. Heh! I brought my husband to the first *and only* professional shot of our six. It was the photo session that nearly ended our marriage. The final product showed just the head of the baby, our one year old missing a shoe, and my oldest daughter in tears because her three year old brother poked her in the eye with the flag they gave him to hold. Just thinking about that day makes me want to google family law attorneys.

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  9. And that my friend, is why I photoshopped (actually I used GIMP) to make it so everyone was looking at the camera. It's not like anyone can tell anyway. ;) And I can do that because I made everyone crazy by doing timed photos with us sitting on the couch.

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