First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I'd rather watch Two and a Half Men

So the Peanut has a new friend.  I don't like her.  Little Latina girl.  Goes by the name of Dora.  I think her last name is Explorer or something.  This girl hangs out with some weird friends man.   First, she's got this talking backpack.  Which, that's cool.  I've had conversations with some weirder shit than that in my day.   But the damn thing is just so inarticulate.

It starts every conversation By singing "backpack, BACKpack" over and over again and then it give a list of the things that it is supposed to be carrying and then, it eats it all.  It's like "Oh, Dora has a cellphone, and a scarf, and a flashlight,  and a bag of weed, and a copy of the Anarchist's Cookbook"  and then proceeds to eat all her shit.  It goes "nomnomnom, Delicioso!"  Which is creepy and inappropriate.  It's not cool when your anthropomorphized accessories eat all your things.   But she has no problem with this.

 I just hate this show.  Not only does she hang out with that backpack, she carries around a brain damaged map who introduces itself every show by singing:

I'm a map I'm a map
I'm a map I'm a map
I'M A MAP( which I can't help singing over and over again at home.  Take that, everyone who lives with me.)!


I think we got it the first four times there, sing-y.  And then it gives these directions like, " first, go through the Disconcerting Forest of Insecure Adults, over Latchkey Kid Hill , and through the gates of Castle Wolfenstein, and you're there!"  No rights, lefts, distances, street names.  Actually, it's still more accurate than google maps.

And her best friend is a monkey who bullies my kid to "say phone, SAY PHONE" or whatever.  The tone of voice indicating that the unspoken part of that is"bitch."

And the animation is awful.  I'm pretty sure the map draws most of it.

So it's here.  The Dora phase.  I didn't know how sucky it would be.  Her favorite one is an episode called "Starcatcher." The plot is: Dora chases a whiny, self-pitying star named Woo-Who all over the place because the show's writers get paid in glue fumes.

This dumb fuck star just mournfully repeats it's own name-woowhoWOOWHOO- and then gets itself kidnapped by a criminal fox(there's an original concept) and delivered to a prince with a shitty page-boy haircut and a creepy Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator vibe.  Then they have a star catching contest and then I'm not sure what happens next except I think it has something to do with peyote buttons.

I am hating the tv right now.  It'll be much better when we get a bigger, newer one for Hanukkah(that's the only spelling the spell check recognizes.  The spell check is anti-semitic) or Christmas.

What was worse, this post or the actual cartoon?  Don't answer that.  Bastards.

Non-sequiturily,

Homemaker Man, Homemaker Man
Homemaker Man, Homemaker Man
HOMEMAKER MAN!

15 comments:

  1. I laughed my ass off at this post. I fucking hated that bitch. I always wanted swiper the fox to chew her God damned face off.

    I'm not still bitter or anything.

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  2. Soon, too soon, your son will find Diego. Dora and Diego are cousins (or otherwise realted) and Diego sucks even worse, he has a 'rescue pack' that raps. Fun times ahead of you, fun times.

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  3. Ok, FIRST you loathed the Teletubbies. Then you hated Elmo. NOW you despise Dora? Maybe it's not the TV, maybe it's you?? JK!!! (And major hugs.)

    But enjoy your craptastic cartoons while you can; soon she'll be into more horrifying things like Hannah Montanna, and skanky Bratz dollz. Lame spelling, too, and worse.. boys!

    You'll miss the days of singing maps and redundancy. Trust me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Candace-That would automatically be my favorite episode of anything ever.

    Viv-Is that like, a curse? Anyway,

    T.-I'd like to think it is me. I have taste.

    And where exactly, is she going to get a Bratz doll? Hm? WHERE!!

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  5. I remember being where you are, when I still had the will to live-- I mean, the will to hate children's television. There used to be this show called the Doodlebops, and I hated those motherfuckers. HAAAAAAATED them. I fantasized about beating them with baseball bats. (In my fantasy they were like empty puppets, not people with blood and bones and stuff.)

    Anyway, now I'm so beaten down that I am thrilled when Dora comes on, because it means a 30-minute reprieve from my 3-year-old screeching for Dora.

    Here for the first time via Viv's blog. Love your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  6. If you would really rather be watching "2 and a Half Men," then I want to know who you are and what you've done with my husband.

    BTW, your Chanukkah special -- "Dora Reads the Torah" -- is the funniest thing I've heard this week, and it's nearly Thursday! Not too shabby.

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  7. "Dora Reads the Torah"? Did I miss that post? I remember having to be in a skit in Hebrew School called "Harry the Hanukkah Candle" - the main song was sung to the tune of Rudolph, of course. Sometimes, we Jews are pathetic. Can't we stick to our own songs? Sheesh.

    And don't hate me, but I have never had to suffer through Dora, or Diego, or Teletubbies, or any of that crap. No cable, no problem.

    ReplyDelete
  8. No missed post. The Peanut was watching the Dora Christmas special just now and I said" have you neard about the new Hannukah special? The theme song goes: "Dora Dora Dora
    reads the Torah!"

    That kind of needy," like me" behavior is how we ended up controlling the media, so don't knock it.

    And as far as having no cable, we discuss that all the time. And then Top Chef comes on.

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  9. Oh, and Hi Jen. Thank you for reading and commenting. I will head over to your place right now.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Which is worse? Well, I never really minded Dora, but she never made me laugh like this post did!

    Still, all this rage towards tv characters? I prefer to save all that rage for the real people in my life. Much more satisfying.

    ReplyDelete
  11. LOL!
    Hope that Dora doesn't read this post!
    (heard she's quite sensitive!)
    ...errr almost forget that she is not a real person! whahhhh...
    Great evening guys!!
    xo*

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  12. HAhahahahahahah! I hate the tv to. Everytime I tell my kids to do their homework, the tv starts sending subliminal messages to their brains; "turn me on, turn me on." If it wasn't for my husband stopping me, I would grab a pair of scissors and cut off the cord! But that would kind of be like slitting my own throat too...

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. I've read yours a few times from Viv's, and you've made both me and my husband laugh.

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  13. I was laughing so hard reading this. This was so funny. My daughter, who is three, gets mad at Dora and Boots when they tell her to do something. "I DID!" she will yell at the tv. It cracks me up.

    Personally, I would love to have backpack. Even though she/he eats it all, it's always regurgitated. It always has everything Dora needs. You have to admit that would make an awesome diaper bag.

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  14. Ha! Your turn!! Oh God, I don't miss those days. Thank God she never got into the Wiggles. But she loved those freaks the Teletubbies. I just want to me the freak MILLIONAIRES that thought up that concept

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  15. You rule! If you haven already cheked out Dan Zanes and Friends you should, it will get that damn Map song out of your head!

    ReplyDelete

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