First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Sleep Deprivation. Seriously.

I mean, not to offend, but I would suck your d**k for a nap. I really would. Heck, If you can guarantee me 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep I might take you on a trip around the world. Vulgar. Sue me. I'm very tired. This is as coherent as I get. The first draft of this post started:

Sleep Deprtbfxghcdjklgluilmkrjbythtvsqwqv222zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

My lovely, funny, darling kids have been trading off, you see.

The Pumpkin Man was not sleeping through the night. We were exhausted and at the end of our rope. We Ferberized him. Don't judge. We were starting to crack and it's not as bad as you think and it worked and it's better than deep throating a tailpipe. We did the same to the Peanut around the same age (8 months).

It worked this time too. He sleeps 10 1/2 straight hours. So what's the problem? you might be asking. The problem is they hate us. The babies hate us and they are trying to destroy us. When one sleeps, the other takes over. They are in cahoots.

I think it goes something like this:

Peanut:(whispering into Pman's car seat) Ok, I know I'm only two, but here's the plan. I'm going to sleep for now. The night is yours. Cry, baby bro. Loudly. Caterwaul, squawk, wail, scream, sniffle, and be sure to cough every once in a while. Coughing freaks them right out. Do this often throughout the night. When you get tired of doing it, I'll start waking up at 2am and running up to the gate in my door to screech angrily every half hour like a disgruntled chimp (evil giggle)."

PMan: Check. I like it. They'll be dead by december(evil gurgle).

I don't know why they want to kill us. I believe they think it's hilarious. They're always laughing at shit. Fuckers

We can't do it much longer. We're wearing down, our bodies ache, we're getting snappy with each other, and yesterday morning I walked half my street to get my wind blown trash cans. In my boxers. Because I just don't give a shit anymore. Mrs. Works Hard for Her Money-Homemaker Man wore her shirt inside out to work. All day.

So if anyone knows anyway we can get some sleep, I'm all ears. My eyeballs feel like there is glass in them and the other night I thought I was in the bathroom and I pissed in my boots.


Exhausted in The Big Pink.


  1. "I would suck your dick for a nap."

    That has GOT to be the best opening line of any blog I have ever read. Love it!

    As far as sleep advice?? Lots of duct tape, rope and ear plugs.

    You're welcome.

  2. You could earn money for that statement.

    True true..Children are evil creations. They came from you so that should tell you something..har har...

    I always consider someone suffocating you with a pillow the best way to go.

    Thanks for dropping by my site. 8-)

  3. Thanks guys! And thanks for visiting. I really appreciate it. They actually gave us 6 or so straight last night, so I'm feeling less un-discerningly amorous, shall we say.

  4. We always say to each other that the children hate us and that they are evil. Sleep deprivation sucks so bad, it is the suckiest of the sucks. We are suffering from it big time. Good luck -- they get more evil as the grow.


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