First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Monday, October 31, 2011

Things That have happened

"Things that have happened since my last post:

We went apple-picking. I am from the "Aww, why do I have to go and pay extra money to pick apples when I can just get'em at the supermarket grumblegrumblegrousegrouse fun-sucks-I'm-a-cranky-old-fuck-with-no-sense-of-wonder" school of apple picking. Turns out it was really fun. The kids loved it. We ate apples, apple crisp with ice cream, and warm apple cider donuts that were soft and pillowy like good gnocchi. I'm leaving my wife for a bag of'em. She doesn't know.

This, this, this, and this guy all made Babble's top 50 dadbloggers list. I eknow all of them so you know, that pretty much makes me a name dropping douche.

I got an email telling me that I can now "check flawless skin off my wishlist." Which is ridiculous. I checked that off my list years ago. Maybe I'm born with it.*

Halloween happened tonight. The Peanut was a witch. Made me happy. Much better than "princess" or "fairy" or "fairy princess". She looked great. Mommy did her make-up. The Pumpkin Man had a choice between dinosaur and giraffe and he went with giraffe. He kept saying he was a "Scary giraffe," though.  "I'ma Scary Giraffe. I'm Gonna Eat yo Leeaaves!"

To prove it, we were in the kitchen and he told me I was a tree and then bit me on the ass. Fucking giraffes.

I went as a pirate. My wife also went as a witch. It was pretty much the only costume  she could find that didn't come with the word slutty or sexy attached to it. 

We went to a halloween outlet for the costume shopping. In a addition to the slutty outfits there were Priest costumes and Rabbi costumes, which I found vaguely inappropriate. They're clerics, not super heroes or monsters. Now slutty priest, that would've been appropriate.

We saw a good racist one. Slutty Indian. Costume consisted of a headband with a feather in it and an extremely short dress decorated stereotypically Native American style. Did give me a costume idea for next year though: Slutty Auschwitz Survivor.

The world's 7 billionth person was born. I think they won a free shopping spree. 

Finally, I am now an official staff writer over at Insert Eyeroll. I'm like the Jimmy Olson of the place, except with coffee breath and more body hair. Right here is my latest.

And that be that. Happy Halloween everyone. 


*Maybe it's Maybelline


  1. I've been wondering what to get the 7 billionth baby too.

  2. Damn!!!! I have been impregnating women everywhere hoping to have baby number 7 billion be my little bundle of joy...... now thinking of it..... kind of a shitty plan!

  3. I am so loving that Auschwitz joke. But, then, that's the way we Hebrews roll.

  4. So would a slutty Auschwitz survivor have actual clothes on then?

    My sister went as a pregnant nun and my BIL as a priest one year, so I guess you could say they were both slutty.

  5. Scary Giraffe should have two gigantic holes in his neck from the Uber-Vampire.

    Just sayin'.

  6. First, I'm so glad you guys have enjoyed fall & the family got you out to pick apples.

    Second, you were robbed in that Top 50.

    Third, I'm so glad you're glad Peanut was a witch.

    Fourth, heading over to your other regular gig (booyah!). I love your posts over there too.

  7. I like that you dressed up.

    I went as a meatloaf, but sadly, my meat was contaminated with E. coli and I ended up in the ICU.

  8. Our Halloween store had a whole aisle devoted to pimp outfits. That was fun to explain to the boy.

  9. That list is yours next year. Take it. Heck, print it off now, move everyone else down a notch, and scribble your name in first place. What's that? Oops, sorry #49!


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