My wife made me watch Hoarders last night. Again. For those that don’t know, it’s a show about people who, uh, hoard . . . things. I guess it was kind of self-explanatory.
I never choose to watch that show. She makes me watch it. I'll be sitting there, buried in the computer, "working" (twitter!) on a blog post, and she'll start with the noises:
I never choose to watch that show. She makes me watch it. I'll be sitting there, buried in the computer, "working" (twitter!) on a blog post, and she'll start with the noises:
“Oh my. Wow. What th. . . aw! How is he living like . . . honey, you’ve got to see this. Honey. Honey, just real quick, I’ll rewind it.”
I glance up and protest, “No honey, no. Really, that’s ok you don’t have to rewi-YAAH! Jesus Christ.” And then I’m hooked. Devious minx.
It makes me squirm to watch people suffer like that*. On the bright side, there is nothing that’ll get you up off your ass to do some house cleaning quicker than a couple episodes of Hoarders right in a row.
“Is that two soda cans and a receipt? Shit, I’m a hoarder. “
One of the things that disturb me apart from the human aspect, is that some of these people hoard animals. One woman had 76 cats in her home. Not all of them in the best of shape.
We have 3 cats a dog and some fish . . . fuck. I’m a hoarder.
Aside from freaking me out, this got me to thinking, “what would be the worst pets to Hoard?” I’m sure that Hoarders would get killer ratings from a “ Hoarders: Top 50 worst pets to hoard,” episode. I figure a home all a-flutter with fruit bats has got to be good tv.
So I started a list. I’m trying to stay away from obvious things like rats or poisonous snakes or spiders. As with any list post on this blog, please feel free to add your own.
Worst Pets to Hoard (in no particular order.)
Lampreys
Dung beetles. Because you know what else you have to hoard to keep them around . . .
Buzzards. “Yeah, I gotta lot of buzzards. They’re friendly. They like to watch me sleep.”
Fire ants.
Bed bugs. “Got 6 beds full of those.”
Gila monsters.
Bears. You only need to keep a couple of those around before they start labeling you a hoarder, I’d think.
Jelly fish.
Piranha
Earwigs
Electric Eels
Tapeworms
Badgers
Hyenas
Maggots
The cast of Jersey Shore
Minotaurs
*This is not to say I am above watching other people suffer. If you are on tv and you get convincingly kicked in the nuts, or I know you IRL and I see you say, get blasted in the face with a water balloon, chances are I’ll enjoy it.
Good Luck with this one, folks.
Homemaker Man
