First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Monday, October 4, 2010

Jew . . . ish 2: Moses Never Sleeps/

For those interested, read part one here:

Now comes the other side of the coin.

In the midst of this religious uncertainty, as I am striving discover a side of myself that was, up until now, explored in large part through the ingestion of latkes (so crispy) and the freedom to make Jew jokes while condemning virtual strangers as anti-Semites, I also became godfather to my niece. 

I had to go from Judaism to Christianity faster than Mel Gibson’s agent. (Jew jibe and Anti-Semite slam all in one.  Thank you)

I was a little unsure of how that was going to turn out too.

We got to the temple church.

The pastor greeted us upon entering. He was youngish and White and southern and silver-haired and friendly like a politician.

The church was more of a chapel/office/classroom/religious compound (nervous chuckle). The building had an up-to-date elementary school vibe. The chaple was blond wood beams and pews, polished wood cross, big windows letting in lots of natural light, colorful cloth banners, almost like quilts (Jesus Quilts. Patent Pending). There were large flat screen tv’s showing the words to the prayers and hymns.  It was all very Fellowship of the Sun.

The service mostly went off without a hitch.  It was done lovingly and no vampires were exploded.  My favorite part was when the Peanut Man got swept up in one of the hymns. “Paaays Jeeezis!”  He bellowed as the rapture overtook him.  Dude loves to sing.

 So far, the best part of being the godfather is that, with the exception of the parents, I get to take the baby from anyone whenever I want. God says they have to give her up.  I march over to whoever is holding her, “Give me the child.”  I command.  If they refuse, I up the anti. 

“The Power Of Christ compels you!”  I roar as my eyes glow, alight with my new godfather superpowers.  You can do that.  It’s totally in the bible. Or maybe the Constitution.

Either way, people are usually startled enough that it works.

He second best part is that I do a more than passable Brando imitation.  Most annoying godfather ever.

It’s pretty cool.

*From part one:  We got a call from the president of the temple.  She told us that she hated hearing we couldn’t come because of money and that there was a misunderstanding because the family service was supposed to be free anyway. 

She invited us to a Tot Shabbat (yes) service. For Sukkot.  Sukkot is the harvest holiday and it’s pretty kid friendly.  Tot Shabbat was . . .ok.  The person who usually ran it wasn’t there, so we’ll have to give them a second chance.  Everyone was pretty nice and we got to go outside and hangout in the Sukkah.  The Sukkah is a temporary hut that we are supposed to build and then we’re traditionally supposed to eat all our meals in it for the whole week of Sukkot.  Jews know how to party.  


  1. Awesome... and just for laugh, your blog title showed up in my reader today as "Musings from the Big Pink Jew"

    I thought.. wow, I guess he's decided then! :)

  2. Did they put in charge of the kid's religious upbringing upon the unfortunate demise or lapse of the parents? That's what it's all about in Catholicism. That and making sure you buy gifts for every special occasion that crops up in their life including but not limited to all holidays, birthday, and every milestone (first smile, first rollover, first word) ~ you get the picture.

  3. I'm following your journey to religion with interet. You realize of course, that as godfather, you are expected to see to the child's religious upbringing, should something happen to the parents?

  4. The word you are looking for is "synagogue" - the Temple was destroyed in 70 AD. Everyone makes this mistake.

    My friend (Jewish) is married to a lapsed Episcopalian. They sent their daughter to a Lutheran preschool because they liked the teachers there. So! My friend's mother (also Jewish, of course) came to visit and crooned to her sweet granddaughter, "What beautiful eyes you have? Who gave you such beautiful eyes?"

    To which the little tot replied, "Jesus!"

    We interfaith families love to confuse the children.

  5. Sounds like being a godfather means you can take the child from anyone AND expel Satan from its flesh and soul (if necessary).

    You've got skill sets I never could've imagined, man.

  6. Yikes! I just clicked on that link for "Fellowship of the Sun", and it scared me!!!! And I'm a southern Christian already!

    My kids went to a year of Jewish preschool, and it was wonderful. The teachers (and students by association) were respectful, questioning, and polite. A nice combination.

  7. Sweet Jesus...'Tot Shabbat.' I can NOT stop saying that! Did I say say it? I mean sing it. Dammit, man, I have been singing it since reading this post a couple hours ago. It's what prevented me from commenting immediately.

    You know what I dig about my church? Donuts. Get this - THEY'RE FREE!! I seriously suggest you take into consideration refreshments while considering your faith-based future.

  8. "He was youngish and White and southern and silver-haired and friendly like a politician." I swear that guy is everywhere.


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