First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


In a special episode of MFTBP, a guest post from the estimable Mrs. HomemakerMan. As talented as she is beautiful, my lovely wife shares with us a true story. 

A stupid little cat scratch… sometimes it’s just easier to give them the flippin’ bandage

Players: Peanut (5 years old), Pumpkin Man (3 years old), Ivy Pickles (5 months old), Mommy (40 yrs old)

Conversation 1 – between the kitchen and the dining room

Peanut (in tears): Mommy! I’m bleeding really bad!
Mommy (panicked): What?! What happened?!
Peanut (matter of fact): Ivy scratched me, like really bad…
Mommy (washing a long, shallow scratch):It’s fine. What were you doing to her?
Peanut: (guiltily) Carrying her. (rising toward hysteria) But it isn’t fine! Look at this blood! I need a Band-Aid!
Mommy (rational): It’s too long for a Band-Aid, besides it’s not a big deal. Go play.

Conversation 2 – overheard in the playroom

Peanut (whining): Pumpkin Man, look at what Ivy did to me!
Pumpkin Man (concerned): Does it hurt, Peanut?
Peanut (proud): Yes, and look at the blood.
Pumpkin Man (awed): hmmmm …that is a lot of blood. A real lot!
Peanut (defiant): Yup, and Mommy won’t give me a Band-Aid.
Pumpkin Man (deeply concerned): Why?
Peanut (conspiratorial): She says it’s too big… hurts so much…
Pumpkin Man (amazed): Uh oh, look at that blood! Squeeze it again!
Peanut (authoritarian): Here, try to get the blood on this…

Conversation 3 – In the dining room

Mommy (frustrated): Peanut, come here!
Peanut (fearful): What Mommy? Do you need to see my scratch again? No doctors!
Mommy (acquiescent): No, no doctors. Let’s put a bandage on that scratch, okay?
Peanut (hopeful): Yes, please.
Mommy (resigned): Better?
Peanut (satisfied): Yup, all better.

-- End Scene

Epilogue: I still don’t know why they were trying to collect her blood – could have been drug testing, DNA experimentation, or genetic modification… I just knew that at that point it was easier to give her the flippin’ bandage.


  1. You are SO lucky a radioactive spider didn't slide down and drip toxic venom into Peanut's cut while it was bleeding. You'd never hear the end of it then.

  2. I think Ivy definitely needed a time out!

  3. Blood can be fun. Have you considered that your kids might be vampires?


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