First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

40 things they never told us about 40

40 has been interesting. We've been through some near disasters. And we've had a lot of fun. As 41 begins to bob gently, faintly over the horizon I feel like I've learned some things. Some things that nobody tells you about 40. Some strange, some wonderful, all true.

1. Nothing fills the hole inside like reliable and affordable furnace maintenance services. 

2. There is no such thing as wisdom, just sweeping generalizations that if you're convincing, pass for it.

3. Muffin tops suck. You want the whole muffin.

4. It's people from your generation's turn to start running the world. Not you but, you know, some other people your age.

5. Sky fudge.

7. Your dreams continue on long after you realize how much your chair cushion smells like beer farts.

8. You eat a lot of Greek yogurt.

9. At the YMCA they have a chart on the wall in the cardio area. It gives  the proper heart rates for each age all the way up to 80. Except for the ages between 40 and 60. That part is blank. Then it tells you to read the formula down at the bottom of the chart and figure it out yourself. No one understands the mysteries of the middle-aged heart.

10. Lumpy

11. Hard work, talent, and good luck aren't always enough. That's why we invented Satan.

12. There will be no more ice cream headaches because the roof of your mouth will become armored with scales.

13. Acoustic guitar rocks so fucking hard.

14. When you shit, hair comes out. A lot of it.

15. TV binge-watching isn't new. Remember those sick days full of cartoons,  I Dream of Genie, Bewitched, and Gilligan's Island? The only differences between now and then are that:  a.) You're binging on episodes of one show for 6 hours and b.) During that binge-watch time is when they update your secret programming through the HD mind control beams.

16. Now, when you're tired or your bones ache, you don't have to worry about it because hey, entropy.

17. The Sword of The Archangel Gabriel will surely help the faithful carry the day, mother fucker.

18. Your demons devour you from the inside out. Most people find the personality change "pretty agreeable."

19. Get yourself a nice set of clean, working gutters. They'll make the pain go away for a while. 

20. Nose hair is edible. Tastes like cotton candy. 

21. You stop giving a shit about how people feel about most things. You just care if they're decent people who are nice to you and your family. Which leads you to join a branch of Mormonism known as "Space Nazis."

22. Whoopie cushions: Still hilarious

23. You realize super powers are real when, during a visit to West Virginia, you drink way too much tap water and find yourself with the power to cause instant vomiting on yourself.

24. The more your tolerance for beer goes up, the more your tolerance for bullshit goes down. YeeeHAWW and a wangdang diddly doo! Go USA. 

25. A nice bowl of soup, ehh?

26. The size of your penis increases by 17 percent. Too bad about the thorns.

27. Every 34 days, an irate orangutan named McCaulay Culkin slaps you in the spleen. 

28. Hover bikes. "Bad traffic" is a myth we perpetrate for the "Youngs." 

29. Crestor makes you trip balls.

28. Stripes: better than you thought. Even if you liked it the first time. 

29. Change is everywhere, inevitable, irresistible. Which explains why it was necessary to remake Robocop.

30. I don't care if you have a religion or not or what your religion is if you have one, just as long as we can all agree that the one true God is the Animal Planet show "Too Cute!". 

31. Froot loops taste all the same. ALL THE SAME.

32. After any sort of exertion, you smell like Bigfoot's taint. 

33.All real: Vampires, fairies, Bigfoot, Fibro Myalgia, Indiana Jones, the Xmen, Donald Trump's hair.

34. All fake: Savannah, Georgia, Clooney's hair line, marscapone cheese, the internet, Florida, Donald Trump.

35. Abs are callow and a leading cause of pulled abs and skin cancer.

36. Respect your gut. It'll be here long after you're gone. 

37. Many men will begin to understand that women should be treated with respect, dignity, and tenderness. Too bad about the thorns. 

38. Crow's feet are pleasant reminders that God took the care to fork-crimp your face so the filling doesn't leak out. 

39.  I don't care who you are, you'll have regrets and a good chunk of them will concern that time you ate a Vicodin brownie right before your clinical finals in pharmacy school. 

40. Too old to burn out; too young to fade away. Try lingering.


  1. Welcome to the club, old man. Your rocking chair awaits.

  2. This is so fucking awesome I'm just going to linger here for a while.

  3. That's a pretty awesome list right there. As Kevin said, welcome. Climb aboard, we're expecting you...


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