First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Blogger Idol Round 5 finally for real this time / I am So So SO Sorry, Mr . Geisel

Ok, here finally, is my submission for round 5 of the Blogger idol Contest I'm not competing in.  It's a piece writeen in the style of the great Dr. Seuss.  I'm pretty sure the Ghost of Dr. Seuss himself was trying to keep me from completing this.  I inadvertently deleted it.  Twice.  The second time when everything was done and I was just screwing with the font.  

My sincerest and deepest apologies to anyone who has ever enjoyed a Dr. Seuss book, as well as to the good Dr. himself.  

This.  Well, it's something.  On that note:  Enjoy, Everybody!

Inspired by Horton Hear's a Who

Hedron was bathing, a-splashing and scrubbing
touching things that one touches when one is tubbing
Enjoying bath joys, both simple and clean
When he heard on the street a cacophonous scene

He jumped from the tub, he popped all his bubbles
he slid to the window to peek at the troubles
In front of his house, number one-seven-oh
Was a long-legg-ed, wig-wearing, tatted up Ho
A Ho?  In this neighborhood?  Well what do you know?

The Ho wasn't working, at least not very well
She was standing her stand, and yelling this yell:
"What happened, where am I,"  The angry ho said
"I'm supposed to be tied up in John Edwards' bed."

Hedron called from his post upon high, second floor
"Stay put ma'am.  Don't move.  I'll help you. What's more,
I'll make sure you get there for panky and hanky
For a person's a person, no matter how skanky."

Hedron threw on some clothes and fell down the stairs
(After combing his teeth and tooth-brushing his hairs)
He put socks on his hands and wore one purple shoe
Burst through his front door and coughed, "How do you do?"

"I'm lost and I'm late," said the cranky old slut
And this g string is lodged 2/3 up my butt.
I'm late for my date with a disgraced democrat"
and nobody likes anything about that.

"I can help find your uh, meeting," said Hedron with tact.
Tact was not lacked by Hedron, in fact.
"I know all the short cuts, both longish and quick
Why in ten minutes time you'll be sucking his dick!"

"You'd do that for me?" the Ho said, astonished
"Well of course" and "who wouldn't?"" Hedron admonished
There is no need for worry and no need to thank me
A Person's a Person, no matter how skanky

He grabbed the whore's hand and took off at a run
Down his street to the first house, house number one
through yards, over fences past garages and sheds
through people's living rooms, under their beds.

Until they arrived at the Ramada Express
Quick checkout, discretion and the porn was the best
The Ho fixed her tube top and re-shifted her hair
And found they were there with 3 minutes to spare.

The Ho stared and then spoke, "My gratitude's great."
She gave him a coupon,  It read, "Good For One Date."
Then the Ho grinned, like a great whore-asaurus
and the sun caught the ring pierced through her cli'-toris.

Hedron considered her generous offer
What to do, what to do?  "Not bang" or "Yes boff'er."
Choosing is hard when there's more than one choice
I guess it makes sense to . . . Hey, what's That Voice?

It wasn't one voice that Horton was hearing
But many loud voices, each screaming and cheering
And these voices all lived, it seemed, if you please
below the Ho's waist and above the Ho's knees

There were Creepies and Crabs and Sifils named Phylis
Crawlies and Itchies and a tiny Bruce Willis
"Join us!"  They cried, "There's plenty of room
Here in the womb called The Temple of Doom

"Know what? forget it.  You'll be late for your gig,"
Hedron said as he reached out and patted her wig
"I said it before and I said it pointblank-y
A Person's A Person.  No matter how skanky."
(And I think he chose wisely, if we're speaking frankly)

The End

Thank God


  1. Oh. My. Freaking. God.

    Dude, this was simply brilliant. I'm tempted to just go ahead and make you an official contestant right not on the spot, but it would be unfair to those already eliminated. There's so much I love about this, but I'll limit it to my absolute favorites.

    First, your rhyme of "whore-asaurus" and "clitoris" made me spurt soda out my nose.

    Second, the "tact was not lacked by Hedron, in fact" was hilarious.

    But most of all, "A person's a person no matter how skanky" is truly classic.

    This was brilliant.

  2. You are positively hysterical! ROTFLMAO!!!!

  3. you must must find other contests and submit this. Hilarious. and yes, a person is a person no matter how skanky. I tell myself that every time Ithink of my ex's girlfriend.

  4. whahaha...
    'Frankly Skanky' could be a great name for a blog no?!

  5. That was awesome! I hope to god that by the time Neener is 1, that I have the time and energy to do a great of a job as this. :) Well done!

  6. That was brilliant!

  7. Holy skanky ho, dude! That was hy-larious. You definitely should have been in Knucklehead's contest. I'd have voted for you.

    I especially love this line: "A person's a person, no matter how skanky." I think that's a great morality lesson for kids, don't you? One of these days, this quote is going to be listed in "famous quotes" somewhere, attributed to you. Please stand up and take a bow.

  8. I have to say - that left me gobsmacked. Dr. Seuss would be tipping all of his cat hats to you, sir! :)

  9. Wow. Thanks to Knucklehead I've found another brilliant humor blogger. Lol!

  10. Dude.

    (she said reverently)

  11. It's dirty, but it's good. You win, I quit, you're the shit.

  12. Oh my goodness, that was awesome! I'm so glad Knucklehead linked us to this post on this blog.

  13. That was totally awesome and skanky! ROFLMAO
    Now I have to follow you!

  14. Thank you so much to everyone who read or commented or followed. This is making my week. You folks are all so nice. And thanks again to knucklehead for his very kind shout out. You are a good and funny dude.

  15. That was amazingly and awfully good! You really captured the essence, tone, and cadence of Seuss, and added twists guaranteed to make anyone with even a tiny sense of humor blow coffee out their nose.

    True talent, indeed.

  16. This is great. As others said, this rolled off the tongue in the same great rhythm and rhyme as any original Seuss story.

    Wonderful job.

  17. Ummmm. I'm speechless.

    You sir are incredible.

  18. This was hilarious!!!

  19. I must say this was definitely contest worthy, thank God you were not in it or I may have been spanked by 3 people this round.

  20. Excellent, positively excellent!

  21. I LOVE THIS.

    Each and every part of it! Hedron Hears a HO!

    Really well done.


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