First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Home Body

Hi everyone.  We're back from The Great North Woods.  

We walked in the door to a reasonably clean house and only one dead creature.  A tiny frog in the fish tank.  Otherwise, all of our elderly cats seem fine and they chose not to litter the kitchen floor with mouse carcasses.  And the vomiting was kept to a minimum too. 

I have a long to-do list.  Oy, such a list.  I have to register for classes, my wife needs to get ready to go back to work, and we need to complete the Peanut's first ever round of school shopping.  She still needs one more pair of pants, a lunch box, and a toddler-sized tazer.  Who gets the good markers?  The Peanut does, bitches.  

My bloggy to-do lists includes finishing one meme, starting another, telling stories from our trip, and one completely random post.  

Continuing the now ancient meme from Sara at Sara in Le Petit Village.  The question is: If you could talk to an animal, which animal and what would you say?

Probably, I'd talk to a dolphin.  I wouldn't talk to my dog or my cats.  The dog is a moron and the cats are, well, cats.  I might've talked to my cat Xiu Xiu the eldest if it were 6 years ago.  Now, she'd just complain about how the kids are noisy or the bed is too high.  

I could pick a chimpanzee.  They're smart.  However, as we all know, chimps are "so much like us." Who needs that crap?  

So . . . dolphins.  If I could talk to a dolphin, I'd ask it to map the oceans, how they evolved, and most importantly, what is up with the cross-species sexual assault attempts?     I quote from the linked article: "male dolphins may become aggressive toward a human female when they sense the hormones that are released in the female human body prior to menstruation. Out of the 24 reported cases of "dolphin aggression" in the last 5 years, 22 were directed toward females that were of an age to experience monthly menses."

What the fuck, dolphins?  No means No.  

Not only that, dolphins, when aggressive, are generally bullies.  Again, I quote from the link: "• Women and children are most often the targets for aggressive dolphin behaviors."

So really, I guess the best question to ask them is, "Who is your press agent, dolphins?"  

Then I would say, "you might've fooled everyone else, but you haven't fooled me, dolphins.  I see through the haze of press clippings and strategically placed "dolphin saves drowning human" stories that make up the current dolphin zeitgeist.  You guys aren't the Atticus Finches of the animal kingdom.  You're the freaking Eddie Haskells.  

And then I would ask them to jump through a flaming hoop and take me for a fun ride.  They really are pretty cute.  

Video evidence.  Not for the faint of heart

Also a quick note to the Aunties of Maine.  

We love you, we miss you, you're awesome, and happy 19th bday to one of you.  19.  This is a good age.



  1. And those people are just standing around watching. That's social responsibility for ya.

  2. Wow, you doin'?! There's nothing like a little hot dolphin quickie in the afternoon. Thanks for that visual. LOL

  3. That was, um, disturbing. That guy was totally pimping that woman to the dolphins. Wonder what his take was.

  4. No means no. That kills me. Dolphins are such beasts.

    I refuse to watch those videos.

  5. You're one sick sumbitch but you probably already knew that, right?

  6. You know, in the past, I've had to seriously scour the Internet to find decent dolphin porn. Now, I know I can always just come straight here.

  7. The fact that the dolphins in my dreams wear armor now scares me even more than before.

  8. I'm going to pass on watching either of those videos, I don't need those images kicking around in my head all day.

    Props for knowing so much about dolphins though. Sicko.

  9. Dolphin Rape.

    That's an odd coincidence. I have those very words tattooed above my third nipple.


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