First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Bipedalism: Is it a choice, or are we just born that way?

I once destroyed an ambulance. A 1980 Ford Econoline.  I was driving it.  Rear ended the shit out of the people in front of me. Ruined the front end and bent the axles. We bought it when we moved one time, my mom and I. I was 16 when I bought it and 17 when I wrecked it. It was the first car I ever owned. I wish I had escalated my car purchases since then. I'd be driving an aircraft carrier by now.

The ambulance still had a lot of the original markings and working lights. Which was totally not a problem for a 17 year old boy with a history of impulse control problems. And car accidents.

We bought it because we were suddenly moving again (which is how we always moved. Suddenly and again.) and we needed something big enough to fit everything into it. Bought it with my money. Destroyed it with my driving skills.

One night, before I killed it for good, I was leaving the restaurant where I was bussing tables at the time and backed in to a Lincoln Continental. Just wiped the smug smile of its silver grill right the fuck off its face. Fluids leaking and spraying from wherever fluids leak and spray. I went inside, told my boss and found the owner at the bar. Short, bald, paunchy, cigar smoking dude wearing a brown leather jacket. A guy like that drove a Lincoln. Crazy, right? I know.

I was freaked. He was pissed. His car was 7 months old.

The kid I had been giving a ride to that night suddenly decided to find another way home which struck me as strange because the damage to the ambulance was minimal. A couple of scratches. Maybe a small dent. The front of the Lincoln was bashed in good. I mean, I think I pretty much demonstrated the fact that no matter what we hit in that ambulance, we were going to be safe. Dude couldn't take it. Shit was too real I guess, man.  Too real.

It kind of hurt my feelings, if you want to know the truth. Felt like it was a direct criticism of my driving ability. What's one little accident in an almost completely empty parking lot where I probably totaled the other car between friends? Work acquaintances really, but still. I was going to let him work the lights and everything.

The ambulance's death crash came about 2 months later. Afterwards, a friend of my mother's was nice enough to give me rides for a while, but that couldn't last. I lived ten miles from work (now cooking at a seafood joint), and even further from her house. She was doing it out of the kindness of her heart and for a little gas money.

I had to figure something else out. So, I decided to buy a bike. I picked a nice, little, silver Raleigh ten speed for about 400 bucks.

Rode that thing 20 miles almost every day for 7 months. Along route 6 just outside of Cape Cod. Lost some weight. Sometimes one of the guys who worked there would throw the bike in the back of his pick-up and drive me about halfway home.  Rode in bad weather and through popped tires. Went head first off the thing once and scraped the front of my helmet along the asphalt for a good five feet. Big fan of helmets.

When I moved to Boston, I eventually lost touch with my bike. Ended up selling it for pretty cheap. Haven't ridden a bike for more than 30 seconds or so in at least 15 years. That is, until this past week.

Witness the new rig:

Pretty sweet, right? Big. Pimpin'. I'm going to get the trailer windows heavily tinted and add a purple light to the undercarriage. 

The kids love it and I had completely forgotten how much fun bicycling is. Makes me feel like a ten year old girl again. I can't wait to get my pastel streamers for the handle bars. 

While my new ride is mad tight, y'all need to feast your peepers on this:

This one is my wife's new whip. So slick. I am filled with admiration and jealousy. Thing is the coolest bike on the block. 

This summer is gonna be off da chain. 

Pedaling like mad,



  1. Nice rides. And your wife's has FENDERS!! She wins.

  2. Very cool. It will be perfect once you install sirens and flashing lights.

  3. We had one of those for a while. In about 6 weeks after we bought it, the kids suddenly went on a feeding frenzy and jumped from 26 pounds to 78 pounds in combined weight. I sold it on Craigslist for $100 easy last year.

  4. And get one of those little plastic baskets for your handlebars too. It will go perfectly with the streamers

  5. Can't wait to see it when it's all pimped out.

  6. That trailer is so cute! How much fun you guys are going to have!

  7. I have a bike that I've had locked away in the storage room. Now I wanna get it out, fix the tires and ride it again. I miss it.

  8. Bicycling and ice skating, both great ways to feel young again. At least, until you manage to break a few bones...

  9. Dude, anything named "Grand Teton F.S. Elite" has got to be good. At least it's not a Huffy or a Schwinn.

    You are gonna put some Topps cards between the spokes of those tires, right?

  10. Ha! This is great. Bikes. And I confess I'm dying for a recumbant bike. Now that would beat all.

    My vajayjay would thank me too.

    hee hee

  11. Interesting timing on this, Theresa and I just bought ourselves a couple Schwinns this week. Looking forward to shedding a few pounds this summer and having fun doing it. Riding bikes, I mean.

  12. That first sentence of yours is quite the grabber.

    It's so freaking hilly here where I live, I shudder at the thought of pulling one of those beasts. Onward, you bad boy, you.

  13. I enjoyed this.The title hooked me. Sorry I've been absent. I get lazy on time management. But I'm glad to see you again.


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