First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Friday, September 10, 2010


I registered for class last week.  I matriculate at the local community college.  Retention rate: 56%.  Graduation rate: 13%.  

It's a dream factory.  

As I was standing in line to register Friday, the last day of registration because the only things that scare me more than bureaucracy are rats and aggressive birds (I'd tazer a goose in a second).  

Side Note:  I also had to wade through the P-Nut’s paper work to get her started in school. We’re both starting school.  Like twins.  Except my Dora backpack is huge.  And filled with booze.  No bottles or cans.  Just backpack; booze. 
It’s sloshy.

The paper work was crazy. Emergency contact cards had to be filled out in triplicate.  
I am assuming this guarantees her triple the safety.  I feel much better.

So, I was in line waiting to register myself.  As I was standing in line there at the local CC, I thought, "If I were a con-man, I'd hang out at community colleges. You know most of the people here have likely made some pretty bad choices.”

It's about second chances.

Or third.  Give or take. 

I'm studying to be a nurse.

I'm studying to be a nurse for a lot of reasons:  
I was inspired to do it during my wife's first pregnancy.  There were some complications during the pregnancy and for the first month afterward, and the nurses were the ones who were there for us. 
It’s an honorable position filled by people who are by and large known for their intelligence, compassion, and toughness.  
I want to help.
Scrubs look so comfy.  
I'm not squeamish.
I’ve always been good at making people feel better. 
I want to have useful skills when the apocalypse comes. 
I want it to mean something when I bolt into the other room and scream "stat!"
I love band-aids. 
I have three of them on me right now. 

I’m doing it for my wife.  She’s the “employed one,” if you want to use that terminology.  She’s a high school teacher.  A great one.   But it’s hard to remain great at that job year after year if you don’t have the option of walking away. 

I'm doing it for my kids.  I want to set an example.  

Growing up, I was surrounded by musicians and comedians and various other potheads.  Some were successful in their vocations to one degree or another, but not so much as people.  

I want to be both for my kids.  A successful person and a successful pothead.  

I want them to know that Daddy kicks-ass.  Compassionately.

I want them to see that at any moment, they can change the course of their lives.  I want them to grow up and realize they’re in charge of their own destinies.  I mean, after they leave home.  As long as they’re here, mommy and I are squarely at the controls of the destiny starship.  And their destiny is a time-out if they don’t pull it together soon

 I want them to know I don’t want to hear any whining about homework because have you seen this chemistry crap I’m doing?

I want them to call me “Nurse Daddy.” 

I want them to know they can’t fool me with a fake illness when they get older.

Also, the math I'm taking now will come in handy when they start bringing home more complicated homework.  Imagine trying to help with an Algebra problem when you haven't seen one in thirty plus years.

So, I will improve at dealing with the bureaucracy.   And I will get great grades.  And I will be a fine nurse.  And I will rub it in their adorable little grills every time they complain about almost anything.  

It’s good to have a plan.

(Not really a pothead.  Anymore.  Weed free pee since 2003.  Or 05.  I couldn’t resist the rhyme.)


  1. I'm completely on board with every goal you've listed here.

    Particularly the idea of compassionate ass kicking.

    Knuckle bump! (But not in a Jersey Shore douchebag way.)

  2. My husband earned a certificate at community college while laid off (that was a looong year+) and his grades were an excellent example for our kids, who were middle school-ish at the time.

    He had to take remedial math first- as you say, it had been a long time since high school for higher math skills.

    Good luck. It sounds like you have a great plan.

  3. "Nurse Daddy"

    You know that's the perfect name for a wacky sitcom, don't you? I can see it airing on the CW. Maybe F/X if you want to get edgy and toss in a little swearing. Either way, I imagine Will Smith producing. I strongly suggest getting a copyright on that name post haste.

    Also? Good luck! Totally worth it.

  4. You want your Kids to call you Nurse Daddy? hmmmmm...

    Also... I think your goal is a good one, I mean, I'm already using the, "Kid, if I can get through school and homework-so can you-now take a time out because you complained!"

    It's glorious. So is your plan. :)

  5. You throw in some wisdom with the funny! I love it. And I'm even good enough to know which is which... most of the time.

  6. You can be one of those clown nurses who amuse kids at children's hospitals.

    Just an idea...

    I hate chemistry. And I'm very squeamish. So I am glad there are people like you in the world who don't mind the sight of blood or fractured limbs. I'm glad there are people who want to be dentists, too. People's mouths disgust me.

  7. I love this post. You are a funny and clearly already compassionate man, daddy, and soon to be nurse. :)

  8. Great post. I'm sure your kids will be proud of nurse Daddy! Keep at it!

  9. Michael Keaton will play you in the movie version.

  10. Man, I really wanted to do a blitz attack here today but I'm wiped out and can't think of anything to amuse you with, ya old pothead.

    The odds of you graduating before your daughter are now down to 8-1. Do you want a piece of the action?

  11. I think you'll make a great nurse, as long as you're able to smile, be polite, and think "go fuck yourself" simultaneously.

    While I think I'm a very compassionate nurse, there are definitely those patients and their families, that make me want to scream "Go fuck yourself" at the top of my fully oxygenated lungs.

    Best of luck to you!

  12. You Rock Nurse Daddy! Beaming with pride in Le Petit Village (and very jealous of your sloshy Dora backpack. I know what I'm asking for for Xmas)

  13. Ugh. Don't you have to touch people if you are a nurse? People who are all mangled and ill? Good luck with the course by the way!

  14. You will be a pretty cool 'Nurse Daddy'!

    Good stuff. Good luck.

  15. I never thought about it before, but it would be kinda cool to have it mean something when you yell "stat!" Kick ass, man. Best of luck to you.

  16. Reasons for being a Nurse...
    For our son it's so when he becomes and ENT he can "see daddy at the hospital" when he bring in the patients.
    For my husband, I really have no idea, I was actually suprised by the choice. But being the compassionate person he is and the people skills he has, and his interest in cool medical procedures, I guess it's fitting.
    And for me It's because I want to be a single parent for 2yrs during his nursing school and have a whacked out schedule once he actually is a nurse.
    oh and to learn to sew really cool scrubs that all his coworkers will love and want to pay me to make. :)
    He's taking the entrance exam today. eek


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