First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Zamboni is Dead/Haiku Sunday

If you want some background on Zambonies or my Zamboni driving prowess, go here .  It explains a lot.

 I killed the Zamboni today.  It's dead.  At my hands.  I was cleaning the ice and the Zamboni stopped picking up the snow so I was just dragging around a giant snow bank under the machine.  I noticed it because I am the observant type.  I pulled off the ice to fix the problem.  Fixing it means you turn it on and spray part of it down with hot water until it works again.    Sorry for the technological jargon.  Have I lost anyone?

As I'm doing that, I hear and smell something bad.  I look up and the Zamboni, it's bleeding.  it's bleeding badly.  Spraying red fluid from a severed artery.  All over the walls of the rink and the floor and the plexiglass windows.  Spraying out it's lifeblood.  Hydraulic fluid.  The hose burst.  It really looked like blood.  And then the red-stained clumps of wet snow . . . looked pulpy and bleeding and traumatized.  Like flesh.  The closest thing I can think of is if your kid really liked elephants so you got them an elephant cake for their birthday but when you cut into it it's red velvet cake and it just looks like you're cutting huge chunks out of that poor elephants flesh.   I cut huge chunks of flesh from the poor, poor Zamboni.

It was only a matter of time, I suppose.  It's not the first vehicle I've killed.  Won't be the last.

Zambonee Booooyyy
The pipes, the pipes are caaallling.

Stay gold, Zamboni Boy.  Stay gold.

Meanwhile, while I was dealing with loss and grief and funeral arrangements, I got a call from my wife that sounded like this.  Approximately:

"Hi honey.  What happened?  It's bleeding?  What's bleeding?  That's awesome.  What are you, uh, hold on, (kids waiing) Igottagobye*click*. "

I mean, I'm trying to mourn here, people, and I gotta hear that shit?  When I need my family most?  Dammit.


Haiku Sunday

Doritos drift down
crunchy nacho triangles
Five second rule, right?

Coffee, hot and sweet
Indulge in a cruller, too
Do you take Visa?

Look in the mirror
Search my soul, what do I see?
Zamboni killer


  1. You are no longer Homemaker Man, you are Z.K. (Zeke) the Zamboni Killer to me.

    What???!!! I think it has a certain ring.

  2. Can someone please get me a tissue, I'm laughing so hard snot just flew out of my nose and onto my laptop!! ZAMBONI KILLER WAHHHH HAA HAH HAAAA!!

  3. I'm still slowly murdering my stove, if that is any comfort. Also, go herefor a requiem for a dishwasher. You may be able to adapt it to your situation. Oh, and here's another one.

    At your service...

  4. Viv- How dare you! This sort of behavior is what earned you GWS.

    HFF- Yeah, I gave someone the gift of a snotty keyboard. S'no biggee.

    S.C.- I did read that requiem. And enjoyed it. And i'm sure Walt Whitman had some feelings about it too . . .

  5. We still think you're pretty cool even though you're a zamboni killer.

  6. C-Yeah, I'm a stone cold, cool, and popular Zamboni murderer. S'no biggee.

  7. ewww...sounds like a chapter from Stephen King novel! Hope you get a lawyer asap I saw your face in most wanted!

  8. Goodnight, sweet Zamboni. I hardly knew ya.

  9. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!
    How dare you kill such an innocent creature!


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