First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Name Resent and hockey haiku sunday

We tried really hard to name our kids.  And not tried hard in a we never quite mastered the power of speech and can only communicate in grunts and guttural moans sort of way either.

I mean there were lists and disagreements and research sessions.

We wanted something uncommon but not dopey (See: Apple Coldplay).  We checked the baby name lists and avoided anything in the top 100.

When we-my wife really-came up with our daughter's name, everyone loved it.  It is lovely, and when we picked it, it was 143rd most popular name in the U.S.

Now it's top 15.

Fine.  That's the way you want it, America?  Check out what we name our son.  With him, we really went for it.  His nickname was like 500th on the list and his full first name barely made the top 1000.

Our families hated it.  My brother-in-law called him "the baby" for a month and a half.  I coincidentally called him "Uncle Douche" for the same period of time.  In my head.  He is really a lovely man.

When I told my father our daughter's name he gushed over how beautiful it was.

When I told him our son's name, he did this:

Him:  What's his name?

Me: ________

Him: (Pause

         Pause

         Pause)

I'll tell your grandfather.

My wife and I were pleased.

Now, we know of at least 5 people whose kids have the same nickname and 2 with the exact same name and both names have climbed several hundred spots in the rankings the past year.

Goddammit America.

Stop stealing our names.

It happens to us with pet names too and it is frustrating.

I am considering having a third kid and naming it Shitfuck.  Cute little baby Shitfuck.   Just to see how popular the name would get.  3 months later there would be reports about Surri Cruise's new brother Shitfuck Cruise and you would hear parents saying "Hey, Shitfuck got an A.  Way to go, Shitfuck!"  You would have classes in school where there would be 2 of them and the teacher would have to be like, "Ok, you're Shitfuck one and you're Shitfuck two.  Hey Shitfuck 2 I had your older sister in my class.  She sure was a good student student.  What was her name again?  Ah yes, how is ol'Nancy doing?  (Gotcha.)

We would call him S.F. for short, probably.

Following is a list of names I believe we could popularize if we gave them to our children.  Please feel free to add your own:

Sub-prime Mortgage

The number 69

Bernie Madoff

Stimpy

Nazi (for a girl)

Zaphod Beeblebrox

Roman Polanski

Princess Laid'er

Joe Socialism

Pol Pot

Borat

---------------

And finally, Hockey Haiku:


Persimmon hued leaves
outside plexi-glass doors
Inside, winter blooms.

Strutting and preening
strident voices, plumage displayed
Hockey dads are vain

I slump at the desk
the clock says ten thirty-one
Now?  Ten thirty-two.

Have a good week, bloggy friends.

And as always, I remain faithfully,


Shitfuck.

4 comments:

  1. I should have named my three year old Shitfuck, really, it would have eliminated much confusion when he was learning his name. As in, "Shit. Fuck. Damn. Don't do that ___ dammit!"

    Seriously though, I have what used to be an unheard of first name. Now it is not quite common, but, also not uncommon. I took a cooking class with a lady who demanded to know what my full name was. After the last class, she informed me that thanks to her kind suggestion, there is a child that I don't even know, who shares my first and middle names. Next time? I'll intoduce myself as Princess Laid'er, thank you very much!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I realize we've never meant (came here via BERN THIS), but can you PLEEEEEZE email me your kids' names? Just because I'm so curious, not because I'm a weirdo kid stalker. I swear.

    Nice blog.

    Love the pink house.

    ReplyDelete
  3. JD-Thank you for the nice words and the visit. Please come back.


    Ahhh, no I can't.

    Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Let me guess....

    1. Emma
    2. Isabella
    3. Emily
    4. Madison
    5. Ava
    6. Olivia
    7. Sophia
    8. Abigail
    9. Elizabeth
    10. Chloe
    11. Samantha
    12. Addison
    13. Natalie
    14. Mia
    15. Alexis

    ????

    ;)

    ReplyDelete

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