First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Monday, November 23, 2009

Today, and one more Vampire Story

Today I:


Cleaned out the fridge.  I think I found a mummy.  I threw it out.  


Packed food for the food drive.  Feel weird about this a little because a lot of it is canned food, most of which contains BPAs which may be harmful to one's health.  But, if we were hungry, I know we'd be glad to have them so . . . 


Lowered the Pumpkin Man's crib.  I never had to do that for the Peanut.  She just was never climb over the rail and crash to the floor material.  The P-Man however will be the one who someday breaks his neck because he thinks he can the leap from our roof to the house next door.  


Showered AND shaved.  A twofer.  My wife is very lucky.


Took the car to the mechanic to find the shop was not at the address google maps said it was.  Google maps is dead meat. I'm going to wait outside google maps' house and when it comes out, I am going type in two very far apart, very complicated addresses, request directions, and then when google maps is distracted, I will kick it in the balls.


Made the house look neat before my wife came home.  Doing that is a combination of laying blankets down over all the messes and then when my wife comes in the door, I immediately throw sand in her eyes.  Then, while she's screaming and clawing at her face I say, "honey, doesn't the house look great!"  What is she gonna say?  


Got the Peanut to pee in the potty.  Training is going fairly well.  we're taking it slow.  She runs around half-naked a lot at home, but she has stopped pissing in her toys.   Of course, as I was getting the Pumpkin man ready for bath (we all had baths today, actually) I had him stripped down and was holding him in one arm while making sure the peanut didn't shove a pen in her eye with the other.  That is when he saw his opportunity and took a shit on my arm.  Which I only vaguely noticed until I saw the arm.  


And finally, my wife reminded me that I forgot my best vampire story.  Not long after I cut off all my bangs, my mother bought a water bed.  It was the early 80's and she was a swingin' divorcee'.  At some point, i decided that vampires lived in the mattress.  What do you do when there are vampires in your mom's water bed mattress?   You kill them.   And you kill vampires how?  With a stake of course.  


It was up to me to kill those vampires.  No one else knew they were there.  I grabbed a pencil and stabbed that water bed nine times.  


I don't really remember my mother's reaction, and I don't really remember mine when she found out.  But I do remember the feel of that pencil plunging into that vinyl again and again and again.  For those of you who don't know, It is an extremely satisfying feeling to stab a water bed to death with a pencil.  


At some point before that, I had also taken a jar of vaseline and decided that the wood-like frame of the water bed needed to be smeared with most of it.  I think I was trying to protect the wood (woodonique).  


I spent a lot of time alone as a child.  


Alright, it's late (again).  Goodnight everyone.


Homemaker Man




















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