First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Monday, November 9, 2009

Handicapped Bathrooms and some other random stuff

The Handicapped Bathroom was a very important place back when I was in a cubicle pretending to work.


My feelings on it below:


O, handicapped bathroom, how I do love thee.  Spacious, private oasis in the cubicle desert. Sanctuary.



Picture this:

Enter.   Stretch your legs, rest your eyes, take a deep, cleansing breath, and don't forget your book. There isn't even a handicapped person on this floor. It's your's for as long as you can keep it. Fully equipped with a safety bar on which you can hang your newspaper or behind which you can store your book as you prepare for a break that doesn't count.  Wedge a roll of tp on top of it and take a nap.  The Handicapped Bathroom never judges.

And, lo and behold, your own personal sink, tilted and extra wide for easy washing.  Do your eyes play tricks or is that large, angled mirror especially flattering?  Stop. Check yourself out and make sure. You have the time. And the space. And the privacy. Bathe your self with paper towels and lotion soap. Clean stains, check for blemishes. Work out.  Stare at your hairy belly. No one can see and no one will bother you.

Handicapped bathroom, you are my Secret Garden. My path to Narnia. My Dutch attic where I hide from the management Nazis. I love you, handicapped bathroom, and I know I always will.



--------------


An exchange I heard between a mother and son at playgroup :

"Ok, now spell Above."

"A-B--VE."

"What?"

"V-E."

"You forgot a letter."

" . . . . M." 



------------------


For those that have never seen the cartoon Max and Ruby:


It's a show about an older sister, probably around 7 or 8 and her toddler brother.  The older sister is unrelentingly bossy toward her baby brother, most likely due to the fact that she has been left to raise him almost completely on her own as the only adult presence on the show is the grandmother.  She shows up about once every two weeks and takes no notice of the weird police state under which the baby brother is living, or the fact that there are no parents around.  It also has an intensely annoying and repetitive theme song.  Click to hear.   The lyrics basically go:


Max and Rubeee


Ruby and Max!


Max and Rubeee


Ruby and etc.


Now I, thinking I'm clever and wanting to impress my wife, started singing:


Max in Juveee


Ruby smokes crack!




That second line is the one that started coming out of my daughter's mouth this evening.


When I tried to correct her by singing the original line, she insisted that, "No. No!  Ruby smokes crack."


Why am I such an asshole?  




Chagrined again ,


Homemaker Man









8 comments:

  1. Ha! You are a nut. I love it.

    By the way, Ruby and Max both need to be shot and prepared in a lovely stew. Annoying assholes.

    Rabbits really do taste like chicken, FYI.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love the new lyrics. Next could you do something with Dora's theme song? Please? No me gusta Dora.

    It is my theory that Max and Ruby are a product of the Duggars. There are probably 16 other baby rabbits somewhere and a mommy and daddy, but, Max and Ruby are bunny buddies.

    ReplyDelete
  3. OH ARE YOU HILARIOUS! I feel the exact same way about Max & Ruby, and I don't let my child watch it!

    And even though I'm a woman, I too love the handicapped stall. We have one at my TV station that has a whole "room" to itself, and sometimes I go there just to veg out... you're right, it is an oasis!

    You just crack me up... my hubby is also our daughter's primary caretaker (he works in law enforcement, but so is his schedule), and he would love your blog!

    ~Elizabeth
    http://confessionsfromaworkingmom.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. Candace-Right? Hope you saw the pics further down . . .

    Viv-that is an excellent theory. the cartoon is actually a reality show.

    C.O.A.W.M.-Thank you so much for visiting and for saying such nice things. I hope your husband comes by too.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You do know that only we Jews would think of the handicapped bathroom/Anne Frank analogy? I had an apartment in college, where the bathroom door was covered in the same faux-wood paneling (tres chic!) as the walls of the hallway in which it stood. My friend (and fellow Jew) came to see my new digs and immediately dubbed it the "Anne Frank bathroom" because it was hard to spot the door in the same-colored wall. He always insisted that there was a Jewish family living in there.

    This is only funny to Jews. I don't know why.

    Nice to meet you, by the way - I came over from Viv's.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Check out this post by Beck for the most bizarre take on Max and Ruby ever written.

    ReplyDelete
  7. S.C. Nice to meet you too, although I've been by your blog before. By the way, if Jews think something is funny, then it is. It's like a law. Thanks for the visit.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I loved the handicap bathroom until one day nature took its course, after a particularly spicy dish the night before.

    As I walked out of the bathroom (not the handicap stall, the main door) a man in a wheelchair came in.

    I could only think: "Oh dude no!"

    I have steered clear ever since.

    Don Joe

    www.workforced.com

    ReplyDelete

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