Healthcare reform. Without a doubt, we need it . The president claims that reforming health care alone could go a long way to healing our economy. And as a moral nation, it behooves us to take care of our own. But the cost . . . prohibitive. Why? One reason: Old people . Old people cost a ton of money to take care of. Because they are old. What do we do about it? Well we can't go all Logan's Run on people. Murder is wrong and I'm over thirty. We could try shipping them out of the country, but old people travel for shit and I'm pretty sure some of them would spoil before getting to their destination.
Don't fret though. I have a plan. We can reform healthcare and eliminate one of the main complaints of old people-the cost of prescription drugs- in one fell swoop.
When citizens of the U.S. turn 55, they get all their prescription narcotics for free. Percs, medical marijuana, Oxycontin. Hell for people over 55, I say we legalize everything and let them have at it. Who can tell the difference when grandpa is napping because he's tired or when he's on the nod from a balloon of heroin anyway? Six of one, half dozen of the other.
You're now thinking, "that seems wonderfully compassionate, but how does it save us any money?" Great question. The answer: This is the only health care that old people receive. No surgery, pt, wellness visits, respirators, oxygen tanks, insulin, dentures, in-home nurses, or any other form of medical coddling for the senior set. Just drugs. And lots of'em. Arthritis kicking up? Just ride that dilaudid drip. Grammy won't even notice that broken hip if she's high on morphine. Alzheimer's disease? Say hello to Mr. LSD. What's the dif? Grandkids don't visit? Ecstasy.
Imagine, as our older people (there will be no more OLD people) start dying off, they'll die happily and peacefully. Or strung out on crystal meth. Whatever they prefer. Hell, this even solves the problem of term limits in congress. We all admire Robert Byrd's pluck, but considering that his last 37 votes on the floor of the senate have all been against women's suffrage*, I think we can agree that it's time for him to go. Hopefully via a bottle of absinthe.
I'd even be willing to throw in the installation of free rechargeable Rascal stations all over the country. That way they can easily cart their stoned old asses around from one fix to the next without the indignity of having to ask a younger person for a ride.
This is a flawless plan, America. We will save trillions of dollars and our senior citizens . . . well, what senior citizens? We will save trillions of dollars and anyone still alive after 55 will be patently hilarious.
And for the record, I can personally speak to the effectiveness of the plan. I was on a very similar one throughout most of my twenties.
This won't be easy. I'm pretty sure that the AARP (who else'll read those shitty magazines) and Wilford Brimley will fight this plan fake-tooth and nail. And lord knows, old people love to vote. So the rest of us have to stand strong. Old people are our nation's most valuable resource. So how can we, in good conscience, continue to let them get so old? Besides, it's against nature. And good taste.
America, together we can reform healthcare. Together, we can heal the economy. Together we can end women's suffrage. Whatever that means. Together, Americans can achieve greatness. Except for you, pops.
Author's note: The age for this plan used to be 50, but I now feel that's cutting it a little close.
Footnote: Senator Robert Byrd's record on women is only somewhat lousy. He really hates black people. And gay people. . Women are usually just a bonus. Just wanted to mention that. In the interest of fairness. Although, hating black people definitely includes hating black women. So never mind.