First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Sunday, January 10, 2010

This one gets a little hairy.

This is the entry for the second week of the Blog-off over at knucklehead.com .  The one in which I am not a contestant but for which I continue to write entries .  This week's subject is a true childhood anecdote.  Good luck with this one.


It was me, my boy R and my other boy D.  Hanging out in my room.  Sleepover.  Mom's way downstairs, she's got no idea what the hell is going on.  We're 11ish or so.  Lying on my floor.

We're talking the deep shit.  The important shit.  The heavy, life shit.

"Dude," says D, "You got pubes?'

R:  "Yeah, I got pubes."

Me:  "Me too!"  Do you have pubes?"

D: "Yeah I got pubes.  Lots."

Me:  "No way."

R: (shrugs.  He's the cool one.)

D:  "Yes, I do.  All over."

Me:  "Really?"

D:  "Yup."

R:  "Me too."

Me:  (I'm getting uncertain now.) "Well, me too, I guess.  Yeah.  Lots of pubes."

R:  "You don't know?"

Me:  "I well, I mean I think I do.  I'm not sure."

R and D:  "What.  How can you not be sure?  Either they're there or not,  Stupid!"  And various other exclamations of disbelief and ridicule.

Me:  "Whatever.  You guys probably don't either."

D:  "Yeah I do.  Check it out."

As he says this, the bastard pulls his pants down to just below his pubic bone and WHAM, their they are.  A wispy but definitely present thatch of dark longish and curlies.  They're mocking me.

Me:  "Holy shit, they're long."

R:  "That's what they look like."  BAM.  Once again I am assaulted by a friend's approaching manliness.

Me:  "Shit.  I'm not sure."

Them: " Doitwediditletssee etc."

Me:  "Hold on!"

Them:  C'mon kiddon'tbeapussy, etc.

Me: I pry open the waistband of my pants and take a peek, then I go for it.  I display a pubic area of peach fuzz.

Them: Pause. Crane necks.  Look.   "Yeah you got'em dude, I see em, me too!"

Me:  "Pubes!" I flash my peachy boy huevos at the room.

Them:  Laughing hysterically

Me:  FLASH.  "Pubes!"  Cover.  "Mother Fucking Pubes!"  FLASH.

This becomes a running joke for the rest of the evening.  I have my machismo intact and I am cracking up my two best friends.  Life is good.


THE END







Epilogue:  I probably should leave this part out, but I'm not actually in the contest, so I figure I can go ahead and sabotage myself.  The night took a macabre turn when my mom knocked and entered to inform me that the cat had gotten out and WHAM.  Not pubes.  Car.  She then informed me that they (her boyfriend) had already buried the poor thing in the park down the street.  Which is so odd.  I cried.  My friends understood.  We shook it off and talked about girls we thought were hot (Lisa almost has boobs!) and then had a vicious pillow fight.  Such is the true nature of Male puberty.  Emerging sexuality, death, vague (or not so vague, in some kid's cases) homo-eroticism, and violence.  All in a night's work.



Homemaker Man

14 comments:

  1. Ohh brother.

    Is this what I have to look forward to in let say 7 or 8 years? ugh!

    lmao

    ReplyDelete
  2. Please tell me you weren't 11-ish, that you're memory is off. I've got an 11-year old boy right now and this post scared the shit out of me. Good god.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Liar. You still don't have pubes.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is AWESOME. Great post.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow. Just wow. You get bonus points for mentioning pubes and a dead cat in the same piece.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Brittany-Yes. Boys are weird.

    Monica-Could've been 10. Could've been 12. Either way he's been there, is going there, or will be there soon. Good luck!

    S.C. Right? And girls have it so tough, but there is a particular brand of moronicism that is boy specific.

    C-Yes I do! You, I, wh . . . I <3 you.

    Jen. Thanks very much!

    Mr. K.-Pubes and dead cats just naturally belong together.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Jeez, not 11, not 12....No, no, no, no, no..........I'm with Monica. Please someone pass the xanax.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Xanax can hide the pain, Viv, but not the pubes.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This is so touching. Brought a tear to my eye...

    Pubes will do that.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ah, yes. Another stumble worthy post. LMAO

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks...
    reminded me to make appointment for my Brazilian wax!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I thought maybe the pubes explained the missing cat.

    ReplyDelete
  13. TGWTFIHH-By the time I got done abbreviating your name, I forgot what I was going to say.

    B-Thank you!

    Lenore- Oy. Vey.

    AHAU-Nah, black cat, light brown pubes. Good call though.

    ReplyDelete

Blog Rankings

Humor Blogs - Blog Rankings