First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

In Which I Am Clueless About The Animal Kingdom/Bragging Alert

The Peanut was running around this morning--to and fro, even--jumping and hanging off furniture and screeching, "I'm a monkey, daddy.  Look!  I'm a monkey!  Daddy look!"

I'm still trying to perfect that believable parent tone of voice where you say you're looking but you really don't but your kids believe you are anyway.  So, I actually have to look every time.

"Wow, honey.  You're a monkey.  I'm tickled pink."

Her:  "Yeah, daddy."

Cut to 2.75 minutes later:

Her, hanging from a chair:  "Hi turtle daddy.  Hi!  Hi daddy turtle!"

Trying not to consider too deeply the implications of why she's chosen a turtle as my spirit animal, (probably it has something to do with the fact that once a year I lay dozens of eggs in a bed of sand) I answer her:

"Hi, monkey Peanut!"

Her:  (annoyed)  "Hi, turtle daddy."

Me:  "Hi, Peanut Monkey!"

Her: (getting pissed now)  No, daddy.  No.  Hi.  Turtle. Daddy.

Me:  "Hi . . . Turtle Peanut?"

Her:  (tears of frustration in her eyes now.  How could she have been burdened with this obtuse, slow moving reptile for a father?)  No, daddy no!  (whining) I'm not a turtle!

Me: "Hi monk-

Her:  (Beside herself now)  "NO!  I'm NOT a monkey."

Me:  (flummoxed) "Well what are you then ?"

Her (with passion she spits) " I'm a SPIDER!"

I should've known that, I guess.  This omniscience stuff is hard.  Maybe the way she used her fangs to inject venom into the cat so she could then wrap it up in gossamer thin but steel-cable strong webbing was my clue.  I'm changing her name to Shelob.


In other news, the nice and talented people over at have seen fit to allow me to write a guest post for their 30 Days of Dads feature.  The regular writers on that site ( not to mention the guest posters) are much better'n me, so it's kind of an honor.  If I had any honor.  If you have any extra time, swing by and check them (and my post) out.  They are worth your while.

This is the best vid I could get. Most of them featuring Shelob have the embedding disabled. I blame Peter Jackson.


  1. I thought maybe you were called a turtle because you were green from another trip to mall for bad sushi.

  2. The guest post is great! And you are totally right - parents who think their kids never lie are idiots.

  3. We actually picked totems for our kids when they were born. My youngest son is a turtle (the older one a humming bird). My sons pretend to be other stuff all the time. I guess I don't remember doing that as a kid. But we must have, right? Let's hope there isn't something in the water.

  4. My kids call me a jack ass all the time. I would be pleased with the turtle moniker, but that's just me.

  5. Yeah, there should be mandatory mind-reading courses for parents or something like that.

    Monkey, spider . . . maybe she's a spider monkey.

  6. Thanks for killing the ants. I love having a husband.

    BTW, I left you a flirty comment on dadCentric for you -- but you have to go there to read it!

  7. She is obviously a shape shifter. It will come in handy at Super Hero college.

  8. What kind of father are you??? You didn't even know your own daughter was a monkey. That's just sad.

  9. How did a turtle produce a spider? That's just weird. And Shelob would totally devour a turtle so I'd watch out.

  10. Sara Louise, she looks more like her mother =)

    Darling, you are much more talented than that haiku hack that replaced you -- love, tw


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