First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Friday, April 2, 2010

My Fat Ass Daughter

Hey everyone.  My daughter is a fat ass!  A real porker.  "Oink, oink, piggy-piggy."  Fat fucking fat fat fatty fat fat.  Lard ass.  Blimpo.  I found a family of chipmunks living in one of her folds.
She smells like bacon grease and heart disease.  She's fat, I tell ya.

We had her weigh-in yesterday.  For those that don't know, we have the Peanut weighed every three  to four months because she is borderline failure-to-thrive.  Her weigh in at the end of december was rough.  She wasn't just gaining slowly anymore, she had lost weight.  Officially failure to thrive.  Yesterday?  She has gained 2 whole pounds, the fat bitch.  I don't know what she's been eating, but whatever it is we're all out of it.  She's a black hole with cellulite.  Living with my daughter is like living with Kirstie Alley if Kirstie Alley had been eaten by my daughter.  Wide.  Load.

This was the main stress point that contributed to my cranky mood this week.  I'd like to apologize to anyone it affected.  I believe I thoroughly shit all over Knucklehead at because I partially disagreed with his American Idol analysis.  I commented on his blog, he emailed back, and I think I wrote back something like, "Oh yeah, well you're wrong because fuck you, Wrong-y."

Err, sorry about that.

As for my sexting with God, well, my wife knows about it, the relationship hasn't gone any farther than the cell phone, and I'm going to break it off soon.  Dude's mad cling-y.  Although the pic of him tea-bagging a pissed off Archangel Gabriel is a keeper.

This post brought to you by Fatherhood Fridays at


  1. Congratulations to Fat Peanut! Big Macs for everybody!!!

  2. It's nice to see someone fattening up a kid for a good reason! Glad things went well.

  3. Aw, that's good news!! Better get on over to Wally-world and stock up! ;-)

  4. Glad she's doing better. I am concerned about her dad though; he may be stuck by lightning at any time!

  5. I'm glad god is tech savvy. I can on some level relate to the issue of weight. Our kid was always under weight but, for some reason freakishly tall and still is. Best of luck.

  6. Good news indeed. We have no weight issues either way here, just height issues. Ours is a little guy who doesn't know it.

    Have a great weekend.

  7. She can have 20 of my extra pounds any day.

  8. I'm with Always Home and Uncool, I would be happy to be a donor. Good for Peanut. I'm proud of her.

  9. Wahoo! Way to go Peanut!

    As for the pacifier suggestion -- I wish! She won't take one, and I try once or twice a month just in case she decided to change her mind. I've even tried to be sneaky (stick it in after she unlatches when she is sleepy), when she is playing, or when she is hungry. She just pauses like "WTF is in my mouth" and then spits it out. I am often envious of those paci users because it's so easy to give instant comfort to their kids. My first wouldn't take one either.

    As long as I start singing "the cat's in the cradle" then I can get through this. It's temporary. It's short. I'll miss it. Right?

  10. Tell her I say oink~ that's love in piggy language!

  11. Sheesh, don't give her a weight complex, or anything ^^, )

  12. We had to stop calling my youngest Chubbs when we realized that he would eventually understand what it meant and get a complex. Chubbs. Heh.


Blog Rankings

Humor Blogs - Blog Rankings
Dad Blogs
Fatherhood Friday at Dad Blogs