First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Breaking the Winger Paradigm: Part 2. The Solution

The problem with a solution, as I implied in Part 1, is that there are solutions. They just aren't perfect. Sure, you could forbid your teen daughter from dressing inappropriately. Forbid her from wearing make-up, a half shirt and a pair of Juicy shorts or a mini-skirt out of the house. You could even go through her bag in the morning before she leaves for school so as to prevent her from changing from the lovely and stylish Amish smock you got her for Christmas in to the ever popular skank wear many of today's young people seem to prefer. But where would that lead? Eventually she would just leave home and go through a host of unsavory careers before settling on a life time of work as a drug mule for a for guy named the Thumb.

It's an old story.

You could try to control the young men that will eventually come calling. However, without a tazer, a pair of handcuffs and diplomatic immunity, it would be very difficult.

So what is a dad to do? Well, how about this:

Let her dress however she wants. No arguments. Let her put on the half-shirt or the see through thing with the thing that makes her look like she actually has things to show off. Don't say a word. Let her wear the Juicy shorts. Let her put on lots of make-up. Let her wear whatever. Smile and tell her she looks "nice today."

Then, while she is having breakfast, you inform her that you are going to take her to school that day. You say, "let me just go get changed." You get changed. And you come walking down the stairs in the exact same outfit. Right down to the shorts. Just think of the middle-aged dadness hanging out of an outfit like that. Not pretty.

And when she protests and cries and begs and threatens you shrug and simply say, "hey, if you can dress this way, I can dress this way. So what if I like to show off my body? It's harmless."

"Dad, you look totally disgusting. You can't go out like that" she might say.

"Awww c'mon. Mr. Johnson down the street dresses like this all the time and his kids are cool about it. Besides, honey, I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm 49 years old. I'm practically a grown woman." You get to say back.

You are now in control. There is very little she can do. Teenagers are powerless against embarrassment. The only caveat is that as a dad you have to be willing to go the whole way. You have to be willing to follow her out of the house like that. There can be no idle threats where teens are concerned. This is not a bluff.

I just want to say here that I am not a sexist dad. I have thought about my son in a similar context. What if he goes out of the house in wife beaters and baggy jeans with his ass hanging out? What if he is sexually inappropriate or overly precocious? I have a solution for that, too.

Just wear that exact same outfit you wore for your daughter. I think it'd still be pretty effective.

Really, I think if you are willing to dress in that sort of outfit and then go out in public, it could probably be used to solve a lot of issues around the house.

So that's pretty much it. I really think this will work. And while I fervently hope she skips the experimental dress skanky phase, a small part of me is looking forward to it a little. I am not afraid.

Sweet Transvestitedly yours,

Homemaker Man

P.S A couple of disturbing postscripts to this whole thing. 1.) My daughter is 2 and a half. If the shorts say "Juicy" now, what the hell are they going to say when she's in high school?

2.) For those of you who want a visual of a skankily dressed dad, I think in many cases it might look a little like this:


  1. My EYES! MY EYES!!

    I have a 10 yr old that is so close to the teenage years I can smell trouble brewing. I'll be sure to keep your advice in mind, because you are right about them being powerless over embarrassment.

  2. That will work...a few times. Then, they will be wise and the provocative clothes and baggy jeans will go in their book bags, or directly into their gym lockers when friends loan them skank/hood wear because their dad is crazy. However, you showing up at school, as pictured above, could possibly result in your daughter being a social pariah, so that the boys develop an immunity to the daisy dukes and belly shirts. You, of course, will have a better perspective on whether or not working it from that angle would be effective.

  3. Candace-Sorry about your eyes

    Viv-I did forget to mention that part. A dad would have to show up at school unannounced every once in a while with a suspiciously full sports bag and a merry twinkle in his eye. I would change right in the boys room if I caught her. And then make a GRAND appearance.

  4. Man, oh, man, I am so buying peanut her first mini skirt and go-go boots for Christmas--I'll be sure to get you a matching set.

    That will be THE best family Christmas card EVER

  5. tekietek-Be careful. Do you remember what happened to the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark when they didn't avert their eyes? Just saying . . . Not to mention, I could just as easily show up at your work place dressed that way.


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