First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Immature and Scatological

Warning: Some may find this post distasteful, in length and content. Lord knows I did. I was just excited to be posting . . .

Sorry I haven 't written in some time blog and anyone reading it. It wasn't my fault. I, uh . . . I misplaced my fingers. My computer got H1N1. Someone left the cake out in the rain. My dog ate both my elbows.
I mean homework. I don't have homework. I mean elbows.

So we had some new windows put in today (just in time for the cold weather) and they look great. They had to seal all the new windows and to do that they use caulk. So the whole house has smelled like caulk the for the whole evening. And of course witty and mature adult that I am, I was making smelly caulk jokes all night. For example:

Headline: "Family of Four Overcome by Caulk!" "I was totally smothered by it," says woman. " I choked on it," her husband agreed.

So childish. But you don't do that in a blog. It just doesn't work because it's dumb and you can see the spelling of the word caulk. For a joke like that to work it has to be verbal. And repeated ad infinitum. No one is going to laugh at caulk unless it's constantly coming out of their mouth. Ok. Moving on.

Something that I have been noticing in a new way since I became a parent is metaphors in pop culture. Not that I didn't see them before, but more that I'm seeing different ones and I am finding it a little unsettling. For instance, one that is fairly obvious and not too unsettling is that Quaker Oatmeal commercial where the wife straps the oatmeal jet pack on to the husband's back and flame shoots out of the bottom of the oatmeal containers and the husband rockets happily off to work. That, of course, is a pooping metaphor. Quaker Oatmeal: We'll make ya crap rockets!

Here is one that really bothers me. You know the song Lollipop? It's a cute song from the 50's. I sang it to my daughter the other day and she loves it. For those who don't know the song, I've posted the lyrics at the end or you can listen, and we'll wait (what's with the royal we? Either I have an actual staff of blog writers, or I am the ruler of the one man kingdom of Douchelvania. Tough call.)

As I said, my daughter loves this song. She can sing half the lyrics at least. That's right. I've taught my 2 and half year old daughter how to sing the blowjob song. And that is totally what that song is about. Right down to the pop sound in the refrain. And check out the tongue in cheek shrug that guy is giving in the video. He knows what it's about. That's how they had to sing about oral sex in the 50's. They couldn't just sing "blowjobs." They were very coy.

There is one more that I wish I never noticed. It feels more appropriate to label this one symbolic, I guess. I wouldn't bring it up at all except that a friend of mine made the same observation without knowing I felt this way. It's . . . disturbing. It's about Telly, from Sesame Street. And before I point this next thing out, I think Sesame St is excellent and it is the only show we allow our daughter to watch regularly. Now then, Telly. Telly Monster is completely and utterly obsessed with triangles. He loves triangles of all shapes and sizes. He thinks they are all "beautiful." He practically worships them. He is part of the "Triangle Lover's Club." He has gone on a search-a "quest," actually- for the "Golden Triangle of Destiny." I don't think I need to say anything else here. Because really, I just can't.


Ramblingly yours,

Homemaker Man

Lollipop lollipop
Oh lolli lolli lolli
Lollipop lollipop
Oh lolli lolli lolli . . .
Lollipop (pop)

Call my baby lollipop
Tell you why
His kiss is sweeter than an apple pie
And when he does his shaky rockin' dance
Man, I haven't got a chance

I call him
Lollipop lollipop
Oh lolli lolli lolli
Lollipop lollipop.....

Sweeter than candy on a stick
Huckleberry, cherry or lime
If you had a choice
He'd be your pick
But lollipop is mine

Lollipop lollipop
Oh lolli lolli lolli
Lollipop lollipop.....

Crazy way he thrills me
Tell you why
Just like a lightning from the sky
He loves to kiss me till I can't see straight

I call him
Lollipop lollipop
Oh lolli lolli lolli
Lollipop lollipop...


  1. Love the caulk joke. Probably because I'm also immature and inappropriate.

    Oh, and I hated Sesame Street. What's up with all the white kids either being handicapped or retarded? Fucking racist is what that show is! ;)

  2. LOL on LoL*lipop!
    Thanks for informing me the name of the cartoonist! So impressed by your knowledge!!
    Great weekend~

  3. Candice-A carpenter's t-shirt: Rock out with your Caulk out,

    Lenore-You are very welcome. And easily impressed. :)`


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