First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Sunday, May 9, 2010

One Cheeseball Removed From Death

I'm dieting.  Or should I say I'm, "making a major lifestyle change."  No, I shouldn't because then I'd sound like a fuck face, but it is essentially true.  I went to the doctor for allergy meds and came back with high cholesterol.  Higher than a hippie at Burning Man.  Higher than a frat boy at a Dave Matthews concert. It had to be calculated by a team consisting of NASA and a robot Val Kilmer circa Real Genius.  It was pretty high.

Let me put it this way:  If you were to look at a cross section of one of my veins right now, it'd look like this

Pic lifted from

Yup.  My vascular system is a Beefy 5 Layer Burrito.  I have a hidden layer of nacho cheese oozing through my arteries.

No offense to Taco bell.  It's been the gorging of myself on many of their fine products throughout the years that has helped me to reach this yellow, waxy, greasy, pinnacle.  I was 16 years old when that love affair started.  I spent the summer with a daily allotment of 5 bucks.   That 5 bucks had to buy me train fare to and from and lunch.  I was always full after lunch.  I fell head over heels in love.  Thanks Taco Bell.  You murderous bitch.  I hate you now.  Call me?

Speaking of murderous bitches, I also have a genetic proclivity to high cholesterol.  My maternal grandfather died of heart disease and diabetes and when they did the autopsy, they found a wheel of cheese where his heart should've been.  Smoked Gouda.  The ol' man had taste.  And some truly shitty genes.  Nice one, maternal family.

I've had to change my diet fairly drastically.  The worst part is, I know how to eat healthy.  My wife had gestational diabetes and I did the diet with her and I lost weight and felt really good.   It's just that ever since the Pumpkin man was born, I've pretty much been like, "What's that?  A fried cheese pig?  Dibs!"

And I don't even like pork.   It's the cheese.  Its possible I'd eat a dick if the words "fried cheese" came first.  Not definite, but possible.

Also, I have to exercise.  1/2 hour of an activity akin to jogging at least thrice (fuck face alert!) a week.

I think I'll probably end up getting a bicycle and riding it off a cliff.  I'm kidding of course.  I can't ride a bike.

And I have to take anti-cholesterol pills.  I'm 62 at 37.

So that's where that's all at.

As far as Mother's Day goes well . . . The Peanut is still suffering the lingering effects of the stomach flu and her brother decided to join the party.  Because he's thoughtful, he has thus (F.F.A. #2!) far restricted all explosive protein ejections to the rear exit.

And the poor mommy herself starting feeling unwell half way through the day.  Sorry honey.  Even sick you are the ass-kicking-est mommy ever.

Alright, that's it happy Mom's day night/ Monday morning everybody.

In good health,

Homemaker Man


  1. Impressive mention of 80s movie. Nice. Very nice.

  2. This was a terrific post. I can relate to your vein problems. Mine are clogged with chocolate chip cookie dough -- damn chocolate chips!

    I too am supposed to be embarking on a lifestyle change. I also find I'm a lot more of a fuckface the older I get. I'm 36. That's a lot of potential fuckface growth ahead of me.

  3. You sound a little down tonight. And your post explains why.

    I'm sorry.

  4. whoa linda, thanks. Sheesh. I wasn't feeling that down but now . . . I think I'll go out and get a bacon pizza. Goodbye, cruel world. . .

  5. I want to eat the fuck out of your viens, but instead I'll go eat more eggs for breakfast.

    Day 7.

    Eat a dick South Beach, and shove these eggs up your skinny ass while you're at it!

    I'm not bitter.

  6. Get an exercise bike. The kids love to play on it. And your story just reinforces my belief that one should avoid all doctor visits. You walk in with an allergic sniffle, you walk out on the verge of death. Doesn't sound right to me...

  7. Oh, and give us the number! We can take it!

  8. Stomach virus projectiles seem to be the gift du jour (FFA!) for Mothers Day. Healthy eating is the level of hell Dante forgot.

  9. You have my sympathy. I'm supposed to lose weight, too. If only food just didn't taste so good!

  10. Sorry that everyone's not feeling so great - hope they do get better soon. I got on my wife's Wii fit & after a battery of tests it replayed to me that my Wii fit age was 72. I told it to go to hell and I haven't used it since. I prefer an exercise program that doesn't demean me like that.

  11. you almost made me spit out my water!

    One of your best posts ever.

    But now I want a taco!

    really bad.

    Even after you talked about stuff ejecting from your sons rear.

    Dieting sucks! lol

    Now off to the treadmill! Swimsuit in t-30 days! woof! lmao~!

  12. high cholesterol runs in our family too...too bad really, because everything tastes better with butter no?

  13. I'm sorry, but I want to rip that picture out of the screen and eat it. No Taco Bells in France (surprise!) Frenchies don't have a clue what they're missing.

    Oh, and Real Genius... well done there.

  14. We need to have a one-on-one "Biggest Loser" death match.

  15. I had mine checked a few years ago and it was pretty high. I have sorta changed my habbits, but then again didn't. I probably should go get checked again.

    I may be right there with you.


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