First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Monday, May 24, 2010

Here's Something They Don't Mention/This is a little Gross

The kids have colds.  The other night the Pumpkin Man woke on and off due to the coughing up of swallowed mucous.  During the evening, I needed to go to the bathroom.  Pretty badly.  Taco Bell. (and for regular readers, they have the new Fresco Menu.  Bean Burrito: 8 grams of fat 0 grams of cholesterol, 1 million grams of the best news I've ever received.  I said, "the best," birth of my children.  Get used to it.)

As I started up the stairs, the P-Man launched into a fairly serious coughing and crying fit.  I detoured into his room and scooped him up.  Cut to . . . .

There I am, in the dark, on the shitter, holding a sick baby during a Taco Bell emergency.  Did not see this sort of thing coming.  But I've done it with both of them now.  My wife says it's something that women are more aware of than men.  I don't know.  I do know he didn't seem to mind too much.  There was one quick gagging coughing fit near the end, but I'm pretty sure that was just the cold.

I also know I should be able to use this moment as ammunition when they reach their teen years.  Filing it all away.


In other news, a thirteen year old boy has climbed Mt. Everest, making him the youngest person ever to reach the summit.  Sorry Mt. Everest.  You're now officially lame.   When someone whose life goals still include "seeing boobs" and "touching boobs" and "sneaking into that R movie that has all the boobs," has climbed Mt.  Everest, I think the rest of us can safely scratch it off our bucket lists.   The little boy called home to his tearful mother after reaching the summit.  She wasn't there because he climbed the mountain with his dad and his dad's girlfriend.  I picture:

"Yes son you did it.  You reached the summit.  You did it because you challenged yourself. Just remember son, (unconsciously gives girlfriend one-armed hug) keep challenging yourself, because there are always new mountains to climb.  Better mountains,  Mountains that understand you.  Mountains that don't divorce you just because you come home late one night--a tiny bit drunk-- with another mountain on your arm and suggest that you all climb each other together.   Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Son, in conclusion, don't ever get married."

Busy week this week folks.  May be quiet in this space til friday.  If so, have good weeks and I'll miss you all.

Homemaker Man


  1. LOL My story beats yours. A snake tried to eat me today. =0

  2. BAHAHAHAHA! both stories were hilarious.. but the later one almost made me pee my pants!

  3. Given all that, he may not get to touch boobies unless he does get married.

  4. I hate to say it but I'm WELL past 13 and I still have those same life goals!

  5. Oh Monica, I call bullshit. With five, we both know you've done worse. Hell, I only have 2 and I've done more disgusting things. That's parenting, right?

  6. At times there seems like no bigger mountain to climb than marriage.

  7. That kid is freaking amazing. Have you heard his story!? I mean who knows what their passion is at that age??? Wish I had!

    YUCk at the kid puke story...

  8. I think you actually managed to silence that deafening tick tock noise that's been plaguing me lately. Well done.
    Damn funny though.

  9. I'd really like to know what else you can do while you're on the toilet.


    You are very talented.

  10. excellent. said wayne's world style. :)

  11. Been there, done that. Didn't buy the tee shirt, mostly because I didn't want to tip my hand. I think that is one of those things that novice parents should discover as if they are the first. ;)

  12. Awesome. Love the "climb other mountains together" bit.

    And yeah, if a kid can do it, it officially becomes a non-impressive accomplishment.

  13. Those mountain climbers!
    ...still don't understand them fully, I hate even climbing up the staircases!! hah*


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