First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Friday, May 28, 2010

Hard Work/Get me the U.N. Security council

First order of business:

The majority of mornings, I drive my wife to work.  The kids come with us.  I don't know why.  If I were them, I'd sleep in.  The majority of those drives end with us kissing and me telling her, "Don't take any shit from those people," or "from anyone."  She's a high school teacher, hence there is a lot of shit given out.  She rarely brings any home, though some days are bad enough that she gets a little on her shoe and tracks it into the house.

The other day, my 3 yr old daughter the Peanut is marching around the house, carrying a bag and putting things into it.  "Honey,"  she says "I have to go to work."

"Ok honey, have a good day," I answer.

"Don't shit people."  she replies.

Great advice.

Secondly, I found out that my human rights are being trampled on a daily basis.  For reasons I don't remember, I ended up reading this last night, The Universal Declaration of Human Rights via the U.N.

There are many examples in the document but here are a couple of highlights:

Article 5.

  • No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.
Each of my children woke up numerous times last night.  I got about 2.5 hours of sleep total.  Then, I had to have this conversation at 6:20 in the morning:

Her: "Daddy, I want O's.  No Ten O's"

Me: "There are ten O's there."

Her: "No, nine O's."

( I take some away.)

"No, seensant."

Me: "I don't know what that is."

Her: "(In a screechy whine)Seesant on the teentauntz!"

"Peanut, it's breakfast time, now you're eating o's or you're not and there is no food in the car (a lie)!"

"Daddy, I want apple."

I wish she'd take pity and just water board me.

Article 12.

  •  No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks.
The definition of parenthood is "arbitrary interference of one's privacy."  And once you've had a fight in a supermarket with a couple of toddlers over why there will be no balloon purchase that day, say bye-bye to honor.  The document references human dignity quite a bit as well.  Nothing more dignified than losing it in a Safeway*.

Article 24.

  •  Everyone has the right to rest and leisure, including reasonable limitation of working hours . . .
As if.

I urge you, read the document and then join with me in making a formal complaint to the United Nations.

The least they could do is lay down some sanctions.

Being held as a "person of interest,"

Homemaker Man

P.S.  I have to say, I take it all back.  As I was finishing this post, The Pumpkin Man toddled up to me with his sister's princess nightgown in his hand and beseeched. "Pease?  Pease?"  

He looks adorable in it, too.  Like when they put the hat and wig on E.T.

Weapons of Much Damn-cuteness.  


This post brought to you by Fatherhood Friday at

*We actually shop at a local chain called Market Basket.  Wonderful supermarket, just not well known outside eastern MA.


  1. "Say bye-bye to honor..."

    How true, my friend, how true.

  2. Great minds think alike. being forced to listen to my kids' bickering could be used as an official form of torture.

  3. Ignore my capitalization error up there. I'm embarrassed. Ashamed, even...

  4. This was hilarious. Great post!

  5. That is hilarious. Makes us realize that we, as parents, are subjected to torture on a daily basis.

    Perhaps the UN can send in a peace keeping force to our houses.

  6. haha...
    UN can stand more many things!

  7. We have a photo of Thing 2 in his sister's dress up wedding gown. He'd make a good bride. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  8. LMAO I want a picture of the man in a nightgown LMAO!!!!!! Oh you are too funny!


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