First there was a Man. Then a Woman. Then in quick succession, two cats, a confused dog beast, and two kids. I stay at home with them. I'm the Man

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Reaching Randomness Level Orange

First things first.  I just saw an infomercial for Romancing the 70's.  A collection of the 70's greatest love songs.  Which is like a collection of the 70's greatest clothes.  Yes, I'm up too late.  But the "host" of the "show" waxed poetic about how we all remember the seventies and how it was the decade of romance.  I was a just a little boy in the 70's.  But, I'm pretty sure that decade was less about romance and more about fucking with impunity.  And cocaine.  And Martin Scorsese.  And cocaine.  And throwing off the restraints of the peace, love, and happiness hippy values of the 60's so as to begin the transformation into the Me generation.  And cocaine .

That infomercial was followed by an Extenze infomercial which began with a blond woman stuffed into a short, tight, NASCAR style uniform and a guy who could best be described as "old guy in the club," telling her how if he, "wasn't married . . . oh wait, I'm not. (Lecherous laugh)"

The blond responded,  (indulgent chuckle)"someone's been taking their Extenze."

I then gouged out my eyes with a plastic bubble wand.  I managed to block out the sound of the tv by inserting my penis into my ear canal, which I could accomplish because I've been taking Extenze.  Thanks Extenze! (Ding!)

Great fake product though.  I love the thought of the millions of guys who have purchased that shit.  They take it for maybe two days before they start standing naked in front of the mirror, sucking in their stomachs and stretching out their poor schmeckles as long as they can and thinking, "Holy shit, it's working.  Look at that thing!  I am tremendous!  I'm gonna call myself the 'the Anaconda!'"

And if anyone is wondering "what about the wives who say it's working too?"  Well, woman have been faking orgasms forever, so really, what's 2 more inches?

On the very fun side, we took the babies to the Y for open swim tonight.  They both really loved it.  It was a lot of fun.  The Pumpkin Man does has to work on his cpr skills.  It took him 14 minutes to revive me. Thankfully, the brain damage is virtually unnoticeable. It's a miracleeble.

Unfortunately, I got a look in myself in the Y family changing room mirror.  I am a chunky bitch.  Gotta get in shape before school starts.  Pretty screwed up to be going to school for health care while suffering a heart attack every time I fart too loud.

Ok, that is all I've got.   Sorry to leave you with the word fart.  It's not my fault.  I have to post every day or I am a bad person who can't keep their commitments.  Nablopomo gives horrible guilt trips.


Homemaker Man

1 comment:

  1. You are ridiculously funny! I too am trying to figure out how to remove some of that clearance Halloween candy from my posterior.


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